The Danny Trail Killings

The Furry Denialist

2011-04-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

Preface: I wrote this one day while I was bored in my Game Theory class. I don't know why.

INT. BEDROOM

ELI tucks himself into bed.

ELI

Ahh, I can't wait to escape into my dreams. Right Mr. Blubablub?

ELI pets the nose of his stuffed Manatee doll.

ELI

You can't talk. (Yawns) Man, I am wasted.

ELI passes out instantly. The screen beings to waver back and forth as we enter ELI's dream

INT. ELI's DREAM

The screen wavers back in to fantasy barnyard world. In the distance are rolling hills and trees here and there. In front of ELI is a red barn out of which strolls a person in a horse suit.

HORSE

Oh, it's Eli! We've been expecting you!

ELI

Really? Me?

A person in a cow suit comes out next

COW

Eli! Thank heaven's you showed up. We were going to start without you.

ELI

Start what?

HORSE

If we have to tell you, you'll never know.

ELI

A surprise? I love surprises!

COW

You shouldn't go in the barn then, Eli.

ELI rushes in giddily but is met with a terrifying sight. He screams.

ELI

Oh god! What are you doing? No, no sheep fucking chickens?!

ELI rushes for the door but it slams in his face.

ELI

It's an orgy! An orgy! Why!

INT. ELI'S BEDROOM

ELI wakes up out of breath and covered in sweat.

ELI

That was sick! Jesus.

ELI looks down at his sheets. He's had a wet dream.

ELI

Oh, what the fuck? Really? That made me cum? Goddammit!

ELI throws the sheets off the bed.

INT. TOY STORE

ELI and his friend JOSH are walking down an aisle full of stuffed animals.

ELI

Dude, your sister is like 17 why are you buying her dolls.

JOSH

17-year olds still play with dolls.

ELI

No, they don't.

JOSH

I'm sorry I'm not hobbing all the knobs at local Glendale High.

ELI

What does that even mean?

JOSH

I don't know but it's written on this Bratz box. "Complete with knob hobbing kit." Huh.

ELI looks over at the other end of the aisle. He see's a pile of farm animals.

ELI

Hey, don't those farm animals seem a bit, a bit suspicious.

JOSH

What?

JOSH looks over at the farm animals. Nothing unusual.

JOSH

No. Help me choose a Bratz.

ELI

I'm serious.

ELI begins to sweat. He pulls his collar.

ELI

I think the pig is winking at me.

Sure enough a Pig doll winks at ELI and motions him over. ELI looks at JOSH who is inspecting the BRATZ dolls then heads to the stuffed animal pile.

JOSH

Which one: the Blasian or the Hispano? Eli? Eli?

JOSH turns around to see ELI humping the pile of animals. He seems posessed. A mother and daughter walk-by. The daughter drops her mouth and points. The mother doesn't even notice and keeps going dragging the daughter away.

ELI

Uh, uh, uh, uh, take it you barnyard Betty.

JOSH tackles ELI knocking him on the floor.

ELI

Ahhhh! My cock!

The MOTHER turns around and gasps.

MOTHER

You animals!

JOSH picks ELI up. The MOTHER screams further as ELI looks down to realize his crotch is holding up a pig doll. The two run for the exit and crash into two burly security guards.

INT. TOY STORE INTERROGATION ROOM

On a TV screen replays the security footage from the aisle. ELI can be seen humping the farm animals, then JOSH tackles ELI. The TV rests on a table, on one side is ELI and JOSH on the other is the MANAGER of the Toy Store, the two security guards block the door both are trying not to laugh.

MANAGER

You two get the fuck out of here! This isn't funny.

The guards keep laughing as they leave.

Guard 1

Yo, I got to get that on YouTube.

ELI looks mortified.

MANAGER

So what do we got here? I'll tell you what we got. A fucking furry.

ELI

What?

MANAGER

Think you can come into any toy store and fuck our stuffed animals. You and your furry kind disgust me.

JOSH

Eli, you're a furry?

ELI

No, look, Mr. Manager. I just had a one-time incident. Look I, I went to a hypnotist show the other night and he, he did something to me.

MANAGER

Oh, really? You're going to play the hypnotist card? Kid, do you know how many of you scum ball freaks try to fuck my toys every week? You're the fourth today!

ELI

I'm no furry. Never have been, never will.

JOSH

Yeah, we talk about girls all the time!

MANAGER

Are they hairy girls my friend? Are the girls of the Latin persuasion? Are they unshaved?

JOSH

Eli he's describing all your porn.

ELI

Look, what do we have to do to get out of this mess.

MANAGER

Buy everything you rubbed your schlong on and never set foot in here again or else I'll have your dick squeezed off with G.I. Joe's Karate Grip.

ELI

Deal.

EXT. TOY STORE

ELI and JOSH walk out from the back of the Toy store. ELI carries a bag of stuffed animals

ELI

Can I get that video of me humping the-

The door slams shut.

ELI

Okay.

JOSH

So, do you want to-

ELI

We'll never speak of this again.

JOSH

But you're a fur-

ELI grabs JOSH and throws him against a dumpster.

ELI

You don't tell this to anyone. You hear me? If anyone ever finds out I swear to God I will burn your house down. You never bring up the word furry or fuzzy or whatever those animal fucking freaks are called. I'm not like them. I'm not!

ELI starts to breakdown. He lets go of JOSH and cries. JOSH approaches but ELI throws the stuffed animals and runs away crying and screaming.

INT. ELI'S CAR

ELI is in his car crying.

INT. WENDY's

ELI is crying as he eats a sandwich.

INT. ELI'S BATHROOM

ELI is in the shower crying. The phone begins to ring. ELI picks it up.

ELI

Hello?

JOSH

Eli, it's Josh? Where are you? You left me here at the toy store 40 minutes ago.

ELI

You're still there? I'm sorry, look I'll get out of the shower and-

JOSH

Shower? Should you be on the phone while in the shower? Dude, you’ll get electrocuted!

ELI

Wha-What do you mean? Ow!

The water causes the phone to lightly shock ElI.

ELI

Ahhhhhh!

ELI overacts, slips and falls in the shower. He lies on the shower floor with blood coming out of his head.

JOSH

Eli? Eli? Dude, did you get electrocuted? Oh my god! Eli’s been electrocuted!

INT. ELI'S MIND

ELI is standing on a dark street corner. This time a woman in a rooster suit stands under a street light. The ROOSTER wears a skimpy skirt.

ROOSTER

Well, cock-a-doodle-doo who do we have here? It's Eli, ladies!

Down the street ELI can make out the outlines of a group of FURRY PROSTITUTES.

ELI

No! Get away from me! I know what you want to do to me and it's wrong! Wrong!

A person in a sheep suit walks out from the barn.

ROOSTER

Oh, Eli, isn't it the things you want to do to us?

ELI grabs the sides of his head, screams and runs away down an alleyway that turns into a dead end.

ELI

No! No! This isn't happening! I am not turned on by farm animals. That isn't possible!

The FURRY PROSTITUTES corner ELI as he curls up into the fetal position and begins to cry.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

A team of medics surround ELI's corpse. The heart monitor has gone dead.

NURSE

We've lost him, doctor.

DOCTOR

Goddamnit! Another one gone! Will anyone survive the emergency ward?

NURSE

Don't beat yourself up, Henry.

DOCTOR

I know. It's just...I was so close.

The DOCTOR has his backed turned away from ELI. ELI jumps up screaming.

ELI

No! I'm not a furry!

NURSE

Ahhhhh!

DOCTOR

Oh my god! You're alive son! Not dead!

ELI

The furries! There everywhere!

The NURSE catches her breath.

NURSE

Calm, down. You're probably just a little freaked out. There are no furries here. Oh, eww.

ELI

Huh? Oh for the love of marmalade.

ELI looks down. He ejaculated.

DOCTOR

Now, son is there something you want to tell me? About furries?

ELI

No, nothing at all!

ELI gets up off the operating table.

ELI

Thank you very much, Doctor. You guys did a terrific job. Really got the old ticker a-beating! I'm gonna get going. You can just send the bill in the mail.

ELI pats the DOCTOR on the back and heads for the door.

DOCTOR

Wait, we need to talk. You need some help, son.

ELI

Nope, no I don't

ELI runs through the door.

INT. WAITING ROOM

The waiting room is a few chairs, a children's play set and some stuffed animals. JOSH sits in the waiting room. He's reading an old issue of Highlights Magazine. ELI rushes into the room, not even noticing JOSH, and heads for the exit. JOSH sees ELI and jumps up to catch him.

JOSH

Eli, you're alive!

JOSH gives ELI a hug, a hug that ELI does not take well. JOSH begins to tear up.

JOSH

We almost lost you, buddy. If it wasn't for me. Oh!

ELI

Thanks, thanks pal. Look, I need to go. I have issues to-to...

ELI catches eye of the stuffed animals in the corner of the room. He turns around immediately.

ELI

I have to go. Before the urges...take...control...

ELI rushes out of the waiting room, leaving JOSH alone. Suddenly, the DOCTOR bursts into the waiting room.

DOCTOR

Where is he?

JOSH

Who?

Doctor

The Furry addict. Look, he needs to be taken into our care. Only we can help.

JOSH

Eli? He just left. He seemed fine.

DOCTOR

Nurse, call the FBI. We have a runaway. Son, you need to tell me everything you know. Anything that we can use to catch him.

JOSH

Isn't this a bit extreme?

DOCTOR

Do you know anything about furries, son? It spreads through the minds and bodies, turning normal heterosexual males into cow humping, chicken jerking furry-fucking freaks!

JOSH

Spreads?

DOCTOR

How long have you known Eli?

JOSH

Oh years. We met at a Petting Zoo.

DOCTOR

Nurse! Get this man in isolation! He maybe infected!

JOSH

What?

JOSH gets pulled out of his seat.

EXT. STREET

ELI is running down the street. He ducks down an alley and stops for a breath.

ELI

Oh my god! I am not a freak. I like fucking humans damnit! Humans!

ELI punches his groin. He falls to the floor wincing.

PROSTITUE

Need a hand, kid?

ELI looks up, there's a PROSTITUTE in the alley.

ELI

Oh, thank you! Yes! Can you have sex with me?

PROSTITUTE

It'll cost you.

ELI pulls out a wad of cash.

ELI

Anything! Please, I need to be a man.

PROSTITUTE

Honey, you're getting with Chaniqua. I turn boys into men for breakfast.

ELI

I'll pay for breakfast too. Wait what?

PROSTITUTE

Mmmmmmmmm.

INT. ISOLATION ROOM

The DOCTOR and a FBI AGENT stand behind a glass pane that allows them to look into an all white room that has JOSH, who's wearing a straitjacket.

FBI AGENT

You're telling me this thing can spread?

DOCTOR

Yes, anyone can become a furry. It's like AIDS or the Bubonic plague. Just being around someone with the disease will manifest it inside you.

FBI AGENT

And there's no cure?

DOCTOR

No, not that we know of. Most of the time the furries stick together and go to conventions. They don't associate with outsiders. Something must be causing this. Something must be happening in the furry world.

FBI AGENT

What do you propose, Doctor?

DOCTOR

We only have one hope. We have to send him in to their largest furry convention and infiltrate their inner circle.

FBI AGENT

Do you think he's up for it?

DOCTOR

It doesn't matter if he already has the furry in him. It's only a matter of time before we all have it.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ELI is having sex with the PROSTITUTE. There doing it in the missionary position.

PROSTITUTE

Come on, sugar. You know this is by the minute right?

ELI

Oh, god. I'm so close. I just need one thing.

PROSTITUTE

Anything!

ELI stops humping.

ELI

Can you...No..I can't

PROSTITUTE

I've done weird shit before white boy.

ELI

Okay...Can you moo a little?

PROSTITUTE

Like a cow? You a damned freak boy.

ELI

Well, any animal, really. Maybe an Emu?

PROSTITUTE

Wait, you ain't no fucking furry are you?

ELI

What? No, no, no! I just-just grew up on a farm, yeah. I'm so used to cumming to the sounds of animals in the background that it's hard when there aren't any.

PROSTITUTE

Okay, but I'm going to charge you extra.

ELI

Thank you! Thank you!

ELI resumes humping as the PROSTITUTE begins to moo.

INT. UNDERCOVER VAN

JOSH is in a bear suit as two FBI AGENTS brief him on his mission.

FBI AGENT 1

We've given you the identity of "Huggy Bear," he's a prominent member of the furry elite.

JOSH

Who was the real "Huggy Bear?"

FBI AGENT 2

We picked him up a week ago when he was at Yellowstone. None of the other furries know.

FBI AGENT 1

You need to attend the main meeting and see what their motives are.

FBI AGENT 2

There's a camera in the head that will allow us to see what's going on. All you need to do is get inside.

JOSH

What if they, you know, try to have sex with me.

The AGENTS give each other a grim look.

FBI AGENT 1

Son, this is a suicide mission.

FBI AGENT 2

We're not expecting you to make it back.

JOSH

What?!? Why am I doing this?!?

FBI AGENT 1

It's because you're already infected. You don't have much time before you're just like them.

JOSH

Is there anything...anything-

FBI AGENT 1

Get in there and find out what's going on. It's possible this is reversible. They may have a cure.

JOSH

That's it? But, but my girlfriend, my parents, my dog...

FBI AGENT 2

We’ll tell them you died an honorable death fighting terrorism in Iraq. They'll never know the ugly truth.

JOSH

Alright, I guess I have no choice.

JOSH puts on the bear head.

FBI AGENT 2

That's the spirit!

FBI AGENT 1

There's a mic in the head. We'll be in constant communication.

JOSH

Alright.

FBI AGENT 1

And lube.

JOSH opens the van door and steps out.

FBI AGENT 1

Godspeed!

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ELI is crying in the shower as the PROSTITUTE flips through the television. She stops on a breaking news report; on the screen are a REPORTER and an OFFICER.

REPORTER

Is there anything you can tell me about this escape?

OFFICER

All we have is this security footage from a local toy store

The video of ELI humping the stuffed farm animals plays. The OFFICE talks over it.

OFFICER

His name is Eli Weston. He's an escaped furry who has an insatiable urge to have sex with animals. His disease is contagious to anyone who has had contact with him. If you see him, run and hide. Call the police immediately.

The PROSTITUTE's mouth drops open.

PROSTITUTE

Oh no he didn't!

She grabs the phone next to her bed and dials.

PROSTITUTE

Police! I have him! The Furry is at the Holiday Inn off Route 45.

INT. FURRY CONVENTION

JOSH walks through the convention floor. People in animal costumes surround him. He sees booths selling bizarre furry memorabilia. The voices of the AGENTS can be heard in JOSH's head.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Don't get distracted, son. I know it maybe hard but-

JOSH

I'm not a furry.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Look, they're gathering over there.

Ahead JOSH can see a sign that says "Grand Meeting" and it is placed in front of a cloaked entranceway.

JOSH

That doesn't look very welcoming. Can't I just ask someone about-

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

No! You get in that meeting. Stop being a pansy, damnit. We're already losing him!

JOSH

No, no I'm here. I'll go.

JOSH walks towards the cloaked entranceway. He pulls back the cloak and walks-in.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

The room is full of red chairs, most filled by people in animal costumes. In the rows are candle holders, in fact candles are the only thing lighting in the room, giving it an erotic feel. In front of the room is a stage covered in red velvet, at the center of which is a podium with a mic, that is flanked by more candle holders. A person in a basset hound suit wearing a crimson red robe approaches the mic.

BASSET HOUND

Dogs and cats, cows and sheeps, birds and squrriels, unicorns and dragons, my brothers and sisters. I would like to call to order the 234th Annual Meeting of the Furries!

The room erupts in applause.

BASSET HOUND

This is a momentous occasion for the furry world. But before we go on with the details of our plan for Furry Domination-

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

This is it!

BASSET HOUND

We must initiate this meeting with our ritualistic orgy.

JOSH

What?

The room erupts in more applause and cheers.

BASSET HOUND

Remember be courteous with your neighbor and always say please.

JOSH

Woah, woah, what do I do?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

You have to go with the flow, son.

JOSH

Huh? No way!

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

There's a fly in front of the suit and a flap in the back. Lube's in the head.

A person in bee suit turns to JOSH

BEE

Bzzz, bzzz may I sting you, please?

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ELI is getting out of the bathroom. He has a towel wrapped around his waist and is rubbing his head with another.

ELI

Man, I think I'm ready for another romp through the hay. Maybe less animal sounds-

ELI realizes that the PROSTITUTE is gone. ELI grabs his pants. He pulls out his wallet. All the money is gone.

ELI

Whore! That whore!

There's a knock at the door

POLICE (V.O.)

Police! Open up, Eli. We know you're in there.

ELI

Damnit! Damnit!

ELI puts some pants on, he looks out the window. Outside he sees police cars.

ELI

Shit! What do I do? Thnk Eli, think! Okay, you're a hotel room and...

There's more knocking at the door.

POLICE (V.O.)

Eli! Open up!

ELI

What have movies taught you about escaping from a hotel room? The bathroom window!

ELI runs into the bathroom. There's no window.

ELI

Fuck! Okay, another movie, um.

ELI catches sight of an air vent across from in the main room.

ELI

Air vent! Eli you're a genius!

More knocking at the door. ELI runs to the air vent. He scratches and claws at the grate.

POLICE (V.O.)

Alright, bust it open.

Fortunately for ELI the grate is easily removed. He crawls in and remembers to put the grate in place just as the POLICE burst in. ELI makes his escape.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

The orgy has wrapped up and the meeting continues as if there was never any debauchery. JOSH retakes his seat.

JOSH

Ow, ow, ow.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

What is it?

JOSH

It hurts when I sit now.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Man up! It was a small price to pay to ensure the future of mankind.

JOSH

Small price? My asshole is a small price to pay?!? I may need a bag to-

The person in a Unicorn suit next to JOSH gives him a nudge. JOSH realizes he's being awfully loud.

JOSH

Sorry, I'm uh, sore.

The person in a Unicorn suit pulls out a tube of Preparation H and offers it to JOSH.

JOSH

No! That's-that's okay. Thanks.

The BASSET HOUND leader takes the podium.

BASSET HOUND

Now that we have officially started this meeting we can get to business.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Finally!

BASSET HOUND

As you know Operation: Barnstorm has been a resounding success. We've so far converted these major US Congressmen to our cause.

On stage walk out three people in animal suits, one a dragon, one a rabbit and another a penguin.

BASSET HOUND

May I introduce Jim Clarkson, April Morganweather and Jose Henderson.

The trio wave there hands at the crowd. The saying "I got fucked by a Congressmen!" can be distinctly heard.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Oh my God.

BASSET HOUND

This time next year we hope to have all of Congress! Mwahahaha!

DOCTOR (V.O.)

Wait, really?

BASSET HOUND

Once we have them. We will control the world! Or well, the legislative agenda!

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

This is good enough! Josh can you hear me?

JOSH

Yeah, I've been hearing you this whole time.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

You need to get out of there. It's going to be sunk into the Earth.

JOSH

What?!? You're going to level this place? How?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Move now and I'll explain.

JOSH gets up and rushes out of the room

INT. VENTILATION DUCT

ELI is crawling through.

ELI

Hahaha, I'm going to make it. I'm really going to make it. No one's going to stop me. Hahaha!

INT. HOTEL CHECK

The MANAGER stands behind a desk talking to two COPs. They both hear ELI.

COP 1

Do your air ducts usually sound like people?

MANAGER

Nope.

COP 2

Hmmmm.

The cops look at one another.

EXT. PARKING LOT

ELI is thrown on the hood of a car. He's handcuffed and being searched by the cops.

ELI

Ow! Oh god! That hurt.

COP

Shut up, pig fucker. We know what you are.

ELI

Pig fucker? Oh that's rich coming from you guys.

COP

Get in the fucking car.

The COP picks ELI off the hood of the car and shoves him inside.

INT. FURRY CONVENTION

JOSH runs out of the Furry Convention as fast as he can while dodging and weaving all of the

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

We've been tracking these scumbags for years. Always knew they were up to something. No one dresses up as an animal and starts fucking other animals just because. There's an ulterior motive, Hoover knew it. That's why he ordered we monitor them.

JOSH

But that must've been like 40 years ago? You guys haven't done anything?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Look, Hoover had us monitor a lot of stuff. Besides these furries ain't been up to anything until recently. A month ago Congressman Allen Wrench had gone missing. He turned up dead in a dumpster and dressed as a giraffe. We knew it was furry shit but didn't have the evidence. But thanks to you we have proof of what they're doing.

JOSH

Great, fantastic!

JOSH has made it to the exit.

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER PARKING LOT

JOSH looks around for the van that he got out of.

JOSH

Where the hell are you guys?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

You kidding, me? That place is getting blown to bits. We're in another town.

JOSH

What about me? Where am I supposed to go?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Run! Head for the hills!

JOSH begins to run.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

The typical interrogation room set-up: table, single light hanging above and a one-way window. ELI is handcuffed to a chair at the table as two Detectives grill him. One sits at the table while the other stands next to ELI and slaps him hard.

ELI

Ow!

Detective 1

Look, Eli. If that is your real name. You better start talking.

DETECTIVE 2

We got enough shit that will stick to you that you'll be looking like a goddamn poo monster.

DETECTIVE 1

Security footage of you humping a pile of stuffed animals, witnesses, a prostitute that claims to have been a farm animal for you and this.

The FBI AGENT throws Mr. Blubablub on the table. He's in a plastic bag and has been throughly beat-up.

ELI

No, Mr. Blubablub! Why?

DETECTIVE 2 slaps ELI again.

DETECTIVE 2

Tell us what we want to know or else we'll shred the rest of your stuffed animals.

FBI AGENT 2 grabs the bag with Mr. Blubablub and holds it over a wood chipper that has suddenly appeared in the room.

ELI

Okay! Alright! I'm a furry! I have wet dreams about having sex with animals! I can only get off to woman pretending to be animals! I don't dress up as them though!

The DETECTIVES look at each other. One nods to the other they both exit the room.

ELI

Is that it? Where are you going?

They leave.

ELI

What's happening?

EXT. HILL

JOSH makes his way up a hill. He turns around to see the Convention Center in the distance. He's out of breath.

JOSH

Oh man, phew! I can't believe it. I'm alive! Wait, why hasn't the place been blown up yet?

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

There might have been a snafu. Hold on. Let me give them a call.

JOSH

Oh okay.

JOSH waits for a moment. He kicks some rocks. Takes off the bear mask and has a seat.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Alright, yeah, you still there Josh?

JOSH yells back into the head of the bear suit.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

So, it turns out there going to blow it up tomorrow. The conference is happening all weekend so there's not much of a priority on this.

JOSH

Are you kidding me? I just ran for miles, literally miles!

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

I'm sorry. I just got-

Suddenly a jet flies over JOSH's head. The jet heads towards the convention center and drops a bomb onto it. A mushroom cloud erupts.

JOSH

Woah.

FBI AGENT 1 (V.O.)

Did they just blow that place up? Oh, man that Armando! He totally got me this time. What a jokester!

JOSH

Hey, shouldn't I get out of here? Isn't there like radiation or something?

FBI AGENT 1

Nah, hang tight kid. We'll have an evac unit on you in no time.

The other end of the radio signal goes "Bzzt. Click."

JOSH

Sweet. Hey, what's an evac unit?

No response

JOSH

Hey, Mr. FBI Agent? You there? Hello?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

The two DETECTIVES enter the room. ELI looks up at them.

ELI

Are you going to send me to ass prison?

DETECTIVE 2

Yes.

ELI looks shocked.

DETECTIVE 1

If you consider your old life an ass prison. You're free.

ELI

What? How? You made me confess and-

DETECTIVE 1

We just got word that the Furry Convention has been nuked. All your furry fuck friends gone.

ELI

I don't understand. What does that have to do with me?

DETECTIVE 1

A real furry would have been at that convention. Not banging hookers. You're not a furry kid. You just got issues to work out.

DETECTIVE 2

You're fucked up in the head.

DETECTIVE 1

Possibly from going to Catholic school. But we didn't really read your psych profile.

ELI

Really? Oh my, god. I feel so-

ELI is overwhelmed.

DETECTIVE 2

Don’t get all faggoty now.

DETECTIVE 1

Here, just sign this paperwork. It says that none of this ever happened or some shit. Who cares.

ElI

Happily!

EXT. POLICE STATION

ELI walks out of the Police Station. He holds Mr. Blubablub and looks like a new man. He approaches a trash can and is tempted to throw out his stuffed play thing. Instead he keeps it and continues walking.

ELI (V.O.)

This was it. This was my new lease on life. A new beginning. I was no longer bounded by my demons. I knew the truth. I have issues, damnit, and I'm proud of them.

EXT. HILL

JOSH sits on the hill. Still waiting.

Fade out.

A Game of Thrones

2009-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

As much of a nerd as I am I somehow managed to never get caught in the iron claw of Fantasy Fiction. I played Dungeons & Dragons, Magic Cards, nagged my parents about going to the Renaissance Fairs and Medieval Times but when it came down to books full of knights, wizards and dragons I couldn't do it. Those sort of things were things better kept in my head where my imagination can play. I remember trying to read Lord of the Rings and becoming horrifyingly bored. There were pages and pages on the Hobbit lifestyle and then once we actually get to the story it begins with preparations for a party. Doesn't that just scream riveting? The catch with The Lord of the Rings is that Tolkien approaches his story as history. There's just so much care and craft that when it comes down to telling a compelling story well you're going to have to invest a lot of your time and as a kid living in the 90's I didn't have the time the Lord of the Rings demanded.

In fact, I found I didn't have the time for most fantasy fiction. Who wants to read a book over 500 pages let alone a series of them? Don't say Harry Potter because that was written for children and honestly are you comparing J.K. Rowling to J.R.R. Tolkien? Come on. The point is I don't care for fantasy fiction and neither does most of mankind. That's why it comes as a huge surprise to me that I have become so thoroughly engulfed in George R.R. Martin's Song of Fire and Ice series.

A few months ago I saw a twitpic from Gavin Purcell, producer of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, of A Game of Thrones and its sequel. As a reader of books and a professed know-it-all I quickly looked the title up on Amazon. It didn't strike me as being that fantastic, just another Fantasy book being hyped up by nerd-dom. A month passes and while catching the ACE subway in New York I spotted a cute young hipster chick reading A Game of Thrones. My interests were peaked since I typically take my reading cues from what cute young hipster chicks are reading. Then Amy Ozols, a writer at Late Night, starts tweeting the book up. Okay fine, I'm in. So since my birthday was coming I thought, "Why not throw the first book on m wish list!" and that's how I ended up with A Game of Thrones.

I really didn't plan on reading it though. Its fate seemed to rest on a nice shelf but I had to read it at least before putting it away, mind you I hadn't even read so much as the prologue before asking for it. I expected something whimsical, something fantastic where wizards ride unicorns and knights battle evil dragons plus a spunky princess who knows how to fight and wee little elf people who love the woods. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. By the time the prologue was over I was hooked. Whenever someone gets an axe put in them then suddenly comes back to life as a murderous zombie with flaming blue eyes you got me. It grabs you by the balls faster then stupid party planning with Hobbits.

But I'm getting a head of myself. A Game of Thrones is the first in what Martin has called A Song of Ice and Fire. The main feature of Martin's fantasy world is that the seasons last for untold years. It's been summer for decades but the world is showing signs of a long winter to come. Magic is fleeting and the few appearances sorcery does appear it's of the cult/scary kind. Actually the whole world could be described as scary. This is a grim and grimy fantasy novel. Heroes die brutal deaths and villains survive by selling out but in this world there's not a lot of distinction between good and bad. Martin has a past as a Hollywood writer and something tells me that those years have steeped the man in a cynical view that in any other genre would be grating but in fantasy is a breath of fresh air.

The main characters are the Starks, a noble family that lives in the cold world of the North. There's Lord Eddard Stark, his wife Cathreyn, their sons: Robb, Brann and Rickon, their daughters Sansa and Arya plus Eddard's bastard son Jon Snow. Things are pretty peachy until one day on their way back from an execution Eddard and his sons find a dead Direwolf and her litter of pups. The Direwolf being the symbol of the Stark clan it holds a special and ominous meaning. They return to their home in Winterfall only to find out that the King himself is making a surprise visit. The King's old Hand, a consigliere essentially, has passed away and he wants to make Eddard his new one. Eddard is hesitant but when word reaches him that the old Hand was murdered and when one his sons meets a gruesome fate he must go with the King to find the truth.

Every chapter is told from the perspective of one of eight characters. These characters range are all the members of the Stark Clan, Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf from a rival family, and Daenerys Targaryen, the daughter of the disposed King. The chapters jump from character to character, place to place and it makes for a compulsive read. After reading for a while I'd want to put it down but when I saw the next chapter was, for instance, a Tyrion or Jon Snow chapter, both of my favorite plotlines, I just had to keep plowing forward. Pivotal moments in the story are told by characters that are merely bystanders. Epic battles are summed up after the fact. It's a bold move and one that Martin somehow constantly delivers on. I'll admit that sheer amount of characters left me lost at times. I had to re-read one brutal massacre scene twice just to make sure who died and even then I wasn't sure who they were.

But I implore you to not be overwhelmed or to brush this book off as just another fantasy novel because Martin doesn't write like a fantasy author. When I told people what I was reading I struggled to describe it. That was until I heard that HBO was making a pilot of it and someone pitched the story as Lord of the Rings meets The Sopranos which nails it. A Game of Thrones is the fantasy genre all grown-up. People actually have sex in it for starters. I don't recall Tolkien describing the mating rituals of Hobbits (I bet he did though). Children are thrown off buildings, there's mass bloodshed, rape, looting and an unusual amount of incest. In short, it's a perfect for an HBO fantasy series.

The biggest problem with reading A Game of Thrones is the urge to read more. I like to read books and to have five books that are each over 800 pages on my to do list is daunting. But considering how much fun this book was and that it's really a fast read I have far worse things to fear. It took me about three weeks to finish but that includes several days of just not reading it. It could finished in two weeks I'm sure. For anyone who likes fantasy novels then you should have already read it. For everyone else I urge you to pick it up and give it a shot. If you don't like it, well, I hate to say it but you have no imagination whatsoever.

Transformers: Revenge on Your Eyeballs

2009-11-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

Why do I do this to myself? I've said before that I like Michael Bay. The Rock is a classic action film, both Bad Boys deserve to be preserved in the Library of Congress and I cried during Armageddon. Still the man has fucked up in huge ways. Pearl Harbor is a colossal rip-off of Titanic and God only knows how much coke Bay blew before telling Scarlett Johansen to put more clothes on for The Island. Still for some unfathomable reason I've given Bay the benefit of the doubt. That ends now.

I enjoyed the first Transformers. It was a characteristically Michael Bay film that was sprinkled with goofy Saturday morning cartoon moments. My favorite moment was when the Autobots are assembled at Sam's house and try to hide from his parents despite the fact they're wrecking havoc on the neighborhood. It's a silly scene but it showed the camaraderie between the robots and pretty much nailed what Transformers is: a kid thing. That's all gone. With-in 7 minutes of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a giant one-wheeled robot wrecks havoc on a Japanese highway, killing possibly hundreds, but fortunately Optimus Prime and the U.S. Army show up in time to destroy even more shit. Really, Michael Bay?

Since clearly no one bothered to write more then a brief outline on a moist towelette I feel compelled to sum the story up as quickly as possibly. While packing for college Sam Witwicky discovers a piece of intergalatic space rock that imprints an alien language on his brain. The language is naturally Transformerese and is the secret location of some ultra, mega energy that the Decepticons want really badly. And why do they want it so badly? So they can destroy the Sun. I think.

Just what the fuck happened to all the good will that the first Transformers built up? I can only guess but I'll bet it left with Steven Spielberg. While the first film showed some restraint this one will have nothing to do with that. Sure, Transformers 2 flashes some giant balls (I also mean this literally because one of the robots actually has giant balls) when it kills Optimus Prime off in the first hour. Whoops, was that a spoiler? Not really because the robots themselves are indistinguishable from one another. There are only two real stand-outs and by stand-out I mean purely audacious.

No doubt you heard about the first: the racist Transformers. At first I thought this was mere hyperbole but no, it's true and they are there. They can't read, they talk in jive, they have gold teeth and big ears.I damned near expected them to crack out a bucket of KFC and Watermelon. It makes no logical sense for these characters (who I'm not even going to bother looking up their names) to have the personalty of every terrible black stereotype. They're fucking robots.

Which brings me to the second inexplicable as fuck robot: the old Transformer. So, Sam and Megan Fox need to figure out what those Transformerese symbols mean. With the help of Sam's tech-savy roommate they track down John Turturro from the last movie and he expositions. They need to find a Transformer who is old enough to read the symbols (I think) so they go to the Air and Space Museum in D.C. to find one who is alseep as some jet. It turns out this robot is old as dirt. He has a beard, walks with a cane and fricking farts. Yeah, I just described the characteristics of a Transformer.

What the fuck. Granted, if that whole old robot scene weren't enough what happens next is so astoundingly baffling, so completely absurd that I'm still trying to process it. Sam and the gang wake this robot up and he naturally busts out of the museum only to walk out into the middle of a god damned air field in the desert. Stop and think about that for a second. An old Transformer in the Air and Space Museum, which is located near the Mall in Washington D.C., breaks down a wall and walks out into the fucking desert. There's no cut, no explanation no anything. It just happens that way.

Look this movie is 2 and a half hours long and it is packed with ridiculous and often boring shit. At least an hour of the film is spent running the fuck around trying to translate that fucking Tranformerese. I'm not even kidding.I didn't even mention Sam's mom eating pot brownies or John Turturro's thong or Megan Fox being a void or that the final battle lasts over a half hour and that there's been a goddamn gigantic sun devouring machine inside the Pyramids of Giza all these years.

I wasn't even high when I finished watching Transformers 22 and I felt really stupid. It was as if some creepy robot crawled into my brain and just vaporized it. I had to read an entire issue of the New Yorker to regain some neuron function. I would tell you not to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen but it's futile. Everyone will glimpse it at some point whether on TV or *sigh* on Netflix like I did. At least it has some (I say some because I don't even know what the fuck I was looking at half the time) pretty CGI and I did like that scenic battle in the forest. Oh God, my Michael Bay apologetics are starting again!

Chris Christie Will Eat You, Your Family and Your Dog

2009-11-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I'm scared for my state. People make fun of New Jersey all the time but the fact of the matter is most of those jeers come from people with green in their eyes. That green might be mafia bribe money but New Jersey is better then at least 42 of the United States. Ask the Wall Street Journal. The other day I watched Anderson Cooper or John King or Wolf Blitzer or some other white haired CNN reporter talk up New Jersey's governorship as the most powerful in our whole country. Surely that wasn't Election Day hyperbole? Oh right, it was. Election Day brings me back to what's scaring me. Chris Christie is my state's new governor and I'm afraid he's going to eat my state on a open-face pastrami sandwich.

I voted for Jon Corzine. Why? Well he survived a 60+ mile an hour car crash and uh, he expressed support for a medical marijuana bill (My generation's most pressing issue). Honestly, I couldn't think of a good reason to vote for the man. Sure he has those awesome Goldman Sachs connections and is chummy with the White House but most New Jerseyites can't tell you two things the man has accomplished. In fact, things seem to have become even shitter but it's hard to tell what with the entire world economy crashing down. So I guess I wasn't voting for Corzine so much as I was voting against Christie.

But why? I don't know anything about Christie. I never bothered to look up his positions on the issues. I never watched a speech he gave. I don't even know if my state had a debate for Christ's sake. All I know is his name is stupid and he's fat, really fucking fat. Even the pro-Christie ads made the man look like a total blob. So did I fall into the festering hole of partisan politics, voting based solely on blind allegiance to a political party that would sooner sell my body to the Medical Insurance Industry then do something as sensible as legalize Mary Jane (Really, it's my generation's most pressing issue)? No, because the truth is Chris Christie will devastate not only my state, not only my country, not only my western hemisphere but my entire planet because he is actually an Intergalactic Consumer. Just take a look at this actual size chart I found in National Geographic.

Way on the left we have our 27th and fattest President of all time William Howard Taft. As you can see even on our Christie chart he's hardly a blip. Next to Taft is a T-Rex. Their pretty big and can eat a lot of raw meat straight from the pulsing flesh of it's victim much like how Chris Christie eats. Then we have the Borg Cube. Familiar to Trekkies and Trekkers, the Borg Cube is nearly the size of a planet however Christie uses it as a dinner table. While Christie is a large man he still hasn't out grown Unicron, the Transformer that is a planet, or Galactus, the guy who eats planets. Still as an Intergalactic Consumer he has plenty of time to grow. I give him approximately 4 to 8 years before Christie reaches maximum consumption

All we can hope for is that Christie gets some advice from former Alabama Governor and planet nibbler Mike Huckabee. Huckabee learned the toll that consuming geothermal cores can have on the body, plus on your Presidential electability. Truthfully I don't think Christie will make it through his first term. In the past decade New Jersey has ran through eight Governors. Sure, a few of those were one day swear-in's but it's still a horrifying track record. Taking Christie's "crime-busting" record as Attorney whatever into account and New Jersey's own predilection for the Mafia I think I see where this could go.

I didn't want to say it but really it's inevitable. Fortunately, if Christie continues packing in the pasta I don't think a single bullet will penetrate his vital organs. Hmm, so maybe he does have a good reason for eating my state whole after all.

Novocaine Review

2009-10-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't like Steve Martin? The Aughts that who. The most notable waste of Martin's precious time on Earth have been two Cheaper By the Dozens and two Pink Panthers movies. There's also had some small roles in Baby Mama, a Jiminy Glick movie, Looney Tunes Back In Action and other un-noteworthy films. Martin's only worthwhile cinematic endeavor this decade has been Shopgirl and that's looking more and more like a fluke every passing year. The best thing Steve Martin has done was write Born Standing Up. which if you have even a passing interest in comedy read it. It's almost enough to forgive him for all the bad movie checks he's cashed, almost. However, there's one film Martin did that alluded to a different path. One filled with challenging roles that expand an audiences respect for the actor but is also balanced with enough mainstream films to keep the bank (and the bong) full. Let's call that path Bill Murray Road and the fork that Steve Martin came to on it was called Novocaine.

Dr. Frank Sangster (Steve Martin) is a fairly successful dentist who is engaged to his assistant Jean (Laura Dern). Everything's hunky dory until Susan Ivey (Helena Bonham Carter) shows up. Susan has a nasty toothache that's going to require a root canal. They set-up an appointment for 7:30 AM the next day The next day Susan shows up at 7:30 PM for her appointment and well one thing leads to another and they're having sex. In the morning Frank finds out that his office has been robbed of all its medicine and then an investigator comes into say a kid has been killed who was on Frank's drugs. Also, Frank's awful brother Harlan shows up to ruin his life even more. Then there's Susan's awful brother who wants to bone her. Plus that guy who stares down Kurt Russell at end of The Thing and Kevin Bacon show up as Detective and Actor Researching Detective Role to throw in some chuckles.

The first thing that will tip you off to Novocaine's flaws is the narration. I have no problem with narrations but when someone is literally describing what's happening on-screen then there's a big problem. I don't need to hear Martin say that the reason he's giving Susan Demerol is because he's sexually intrigued by her. That was made obvious in the acting which is mostly good. Laura Dern is sexy good and Helena Bonham Carter is essentially her character from Fight Club. The woman was just born to play a junkie.

Steve Martin is great. The man knows how to play a dentist, The Little Shop of Horrors proved that, but he hits a few nags. For someone who knows manic comedy Martin can't quite nail manic drama. When things start to close in on Frank you'd expect him to get more and more panicked but Martin gets cooler and cooler. It's a weird take that I don't entirely buy but it at least pays off with a fucked up ending.

Which brings us to the root of Novocaine's problems: the story. I wasn't too sure what to expect from Novocaine but contrived murder mystery was far away. There's nothing necessarily bad about it. It's just ho-hum vanilla ice cream. I figured out what the plot twist was about half-way through. The most surprising thing that happens is the sudden appearance of Kevin Bacon and The Thing Guy.

Novocaine's still worth seeing despite being disappointing. I can see how the film made Steve Martin reconsider doing more independent films. It's not wholly satisfying but it's at least a glimpse of where Martin could have gone.

Land of the Lost Review

2009-10-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sid and Marty Krofft hold no special place in my heart. The same can safely be said for most of my generation. I don't mean that as a bad thing. The reality is H.R. Pufnstuf, Sigmund and the Sea Monster, Land of the Lost and Lidsville were never aired on television when I was young. When I finally did see H.R. Pufnstuf I was struck by how incredibly dull it was. Sure it looks like the greatest acid trip ever but all the characters ever did was talk and talk and talk. I imagine that this is just a generational thing. When the Krofft's shows aired there was nothing like them but now kids shows are required to be kooky and quirky (or on the serious side Anime-ed).

So the fact that the Land of the Lost movie seems to have been made with the loving care of people who grew up on the show is lost on me. Well, not totally since Land of the Lost is, all things considered, a funny movie. Unfortunately, it was completely mis-marketed and probably could have done with a new title since this is no ordinary children's TV adaptation. It's a weird stoner fantasy film that is a deliberately stilted retro throwback.

Dr. Rick Marshall (Will Ferrell) is the foremost expert in the field of Tachyon particles and time warp that is until a disastrous appearance on The Today Show with Matt Lauer. Marshall's millions of dollars in research are gone and he is forced to be a tour guide at the La Brea Tar Pits. One day Holly Cantrell (Anna Friel), a Cambridge researcher, approaches Marshall and tells him that his theories are true and that she's found proof at a remote tourist trap run by Will Stanton (Danny McBride). At tourist site Marshall triggers a dimensional time warp and with-in 15 minutes into the move we are in the Land of the Lost.

This is no prehistoric world though. There are dinosaurs and caveman-ish people but the world is a Dada landscape meets live-action Looney Tunes movie. One particular chase scene feels like it's straight out of Duck Amuck, the meta Chuck Jones cartoon where Daffy Duck battles the animator. The only thing that slows the film down is when our heroes are given an actual mission to stop some mad scientist. I was hoping that Land of the Lost would ignore this calling and careen through more weird directions. Then again this film is already pushing all forms of marketability far away.

I said stilted before and I mean that only to the actors. All Ferrell, Friel and McBride are ridiculously restrained. It's as if they're acting in a children's television show in the seventies. Anyone thinking Ferrell would stop his man-child acting style is crazy. It's his bread and butter. Dr. Rick Mashall is a natural continuation of the man-child motif but fortunately Ferrell plays him in a whole other comedic key then Ron Burgundy. He's bafflingly serious and Friel backs him up all the way. Friel does as good a job as any women has in keeping up with the Ferrell brand of silliness but most importantly is really pretty to look at.

While Ferrell is at the point in his career where he needs to demonstrate new skills McBride is at the point where I just want to see more of him. Will Stanton is a role that McBride makes great. He's essentially the audience's anchor since he's the one constantly questioning and pointing out just how ridiculous what's going on. McBride's brand of redneck machismo and knack for irreverent metaphors is truly a gift.

There's a lot of good reasons why Land of the Lost bombed so badly but the main one is that it's a weird damned film. Imagine if that Lost in Space remake a few years ago was actually as crazy as the show. (There was an episode where the entire crew was slowly turning into vegetables.) That's sort of what like Land of the Lost is. The other reason is that Land of the Lost is a required bong viewing film and you can't do that in a theatre.

Goldman Sachs Made a Shit Ton of Cash

2009-10-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Let's say your the CEO of a bank that's made a killing. You guys are literally lighting cigars made of $100 bills with $100 bills. There's a big problem though. You've made this money in one of the worst economic environments in the last century years. So all that money you've made looks suspicious to some and cold-hearted to others. What do you do? You could rein things in, tell people go easy on their expenses and heck donate some to a nice charity. Or you could go in another direction.

Lloyd Blankfein the CEO of Goldman Sachs has gone in that direction. Honestly, what else is he supposed to do with a 3.19 Billion dollar income? Employees of Goldman Sachs are looking at bonuses that start at $700,000. That's not an amount of money that can be spent discreetly. But when has the bank ever been subtle? Remember when they testified at the Federal Reserve and arrived in a gold plated monster truck blimp?

Of course back in the golden days of the economy (anytime before September 2008) this behavior wasn't so surprising. John Thain would routinely carpet his rooms with living human beings. Then again Thain was really into S&M. At the Goldman Sachs Tower in Jersey City Blankfein has commissioned architects to remodel it to reflect the banks wealth.

The real question is how does Goldman make all it's money? Well the answer is not that surprising. Goldman Sachs has unlocked the secret to making money: pure, unbridled sex. Apparently, by having sex near a pile of money will cause it to multiply. How do I know this? Here's the ugly proof.

It's not pretty but hey Goldman Sachs isn't in a pretty business.

100 Things I Did That Barack Obama Didn't Do To Win The Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-10T18:45:00.001-07:00

Look, I like President Barack Obama as much as the next guy. He's done a decent job of leading America in his first year. Remember how you were feeling this same time during Bush's Presidency? You were probably scared shitless of airplanes, buildings and Arabs. Okay so this time around Americans don't have jobs so they aren't panicking about things that will never kill them. That stil doesn't explain what President Obama has done to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Especially considering the nomination deadline was just over a week after his inauguration.

I mean if all you have to do to win a Nobel Peace Prize is to be born to an impoverished family with a delinquent Dad, move from place to place never knowing a true home, manage to get into Columbia and Harvard Law School, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, spurn significantly higher paying jobs to become a community organizer in Chicago, write two books, run and win a Senate seat, deliver stunning speeches that remind you that politicians can be eloquent, run a Presidential campaign that not only defeats the most cunning political family in the Democratic Party and the entire GOP machine to become the first black President of the United States and simply by doing so you immediately change the whole world's perception of America then I should have a dozen of them. Seriously, who hasn't done most of that stuff before they turned 48?

That's why I've compiled a list of things I have done in the past year (or 23 years) to prove how much more qualified I am to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, some of the stuff may not seem peaceful or for that matter relevant but hey Henry Kissinger and Lê Ðức Thọ won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 for ending the Vietnam War which actually ended in 1975 so there's a pretty loose definition of the word peace being thrown around in Oslo.

Daniel Goodwin's Nobel Peace Prize Bucket List
1. Rescued Euna Lee and Lisa Ling via Jetpack
2. Protested the Iranian Elections by turning Twitter avatar green
3. Continued to resuscitate Michael Jackson even after the Doctor's pronounced him dead
4. Remastered The Beatles catalog by hand
5. Castrated Lady Gaga
6. Inaugurated Barack Obama as President and Ended Racism in America
7. Put out the Black Saturday bushfires in Australia
8. Found the cure to Swine Flu
9. Read William T. Vollmann's Rising Up and Rising Down
10. Prevented Cloverfield from happening
11. Gave a Rabbi directions on New Jersey Transit
12. Ended the Recession
13. Killed Autotune
14. Killed Irving Kristol
15. Killed Robert Novak
16. Killed William Safire
17. Responsible for Forcing Quentin Tarantino to Make Inglourious Basterds
18. Started the Great Bacon Craze
19. Tried to Tell Kanye West not to drink all that Henessey at the VMA
20. Saved Prince's life by urging him to have hip surgery
21. Donated 32% of my organs to orphans
22. Also donated 4 gallons of blood in one sitting
23. Prevented the Rhino from going extinct
24. Ended Darfur
25. Got Iraq's Shit Together
26. Baked Green Tea Cheesecake White Chocolate Brownies
27. Sacrificed myself and saved the world in Fallout 3
28. Adopted a Baby Monkey
29. Turned Archbishop Sir Desmond Tutu onto Pilates
30. Started a Compost
31. Detoxed Amy Winehouse
32. Retoxed Amy Winehouse
33. Encouraged Susan Boyle to audition on Britain's Got Talent
34. Singlehandedly made Entourage watchable this season
35. Pulled the Yankees together
36. Was Vegan for 24 to maybe 48 hours
37. Read the complete works of Malcolm Gladwell
38. Advised Sarah Palin she should take some time off
39. Saved John Hodgman's life
40. Got over a dozen people to join Twitter
41. Bought an American Apparel shirt
42. Walked down the street that I was mugged on 3 years ago with my head held high
43. Got Buzz Aldrin to spill the beans on who puked the most in the Apollo Program (It was Rusty Schweickart and Frank Borman)
44. Exiled Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
45. Welcomed back Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
46. Discovered the Colonel's Secret Fried Chicken Recipe
47. Crafted a Bra out of Bacon
48. Beat Batman: Arkham Asylum
49. Invited the world over to my place for some Hot Tubbing
50. Reunited Pavement
51. Convinced the Jung family to release Carl's Red Book
52. Cured Miley Cyrus of her split personalty disorder
53. Told China to chill out
54. Resisted all urges to grope strangers
55. Broke Tom DeLay's legs
56. Forwarded my grandfather's story to Pixar and it became Up
57. Gave Donald Rumsfeld a wedgie
58. Copulated with Nikki Finke
59. Attempted to assassinate Tyler Perry
60. Isolated the gay gene
61. Was first to use a Grilled Cheese with Bacon sandwich as a burger bun
62. Closed all legal loopholes
63. Posted a Craig's List ad offering my body to lonely woman
64. Wrote a new modern version of We Didn't Start the Fire
65. Killed the Internet Meme known as "Rick Rolling"
66. Shook hands with The Fat Jew
67. Took a stray bullet
68. Offered the Taliban a mean cous cous recipe
69. Painted this nude portrait of Beau Arthur before her passing
70. Brokered a peace deal between a tribe of Cannibal Pygmy Midgets and the local Retirement Home they live near
71. Played the synths on every hit song in the last three year
72. Siphoned all the gas in all of Jay Leno's cars
73. Got a library card
74. Bought Questlove a new Blackberry charger
75. Made dinner for my Mom once
76. Supported print media by subscribing to 6 publications
77. Revealed the horrible conditions that Chuck E. Cheese robots live under
78. Prevented Walmart from building in my town
79. Encouraged Walmart to build in the neighboring town
80. Only shopped at that Walmart twice
81. Sent Glenn Beck Clown-A-Gram
82. Forcefully participated in 14 Interventions
83. Had sex with Caster Semenya to prove what sex she is
84. Played Parcheesi with the Taliban
85. Trimmed the Treeman of Java
86. Formed a Death to Death Panel Panel
87. Planted a marijuana tree
88. I do not own a Blackberry
89. Am exceedingly nice and patient with all children and old people
90. Aided a Sasquatch in need
91. Pretended to be an Iraq War Veteran to raise money for Vietnam Veterans
92. Bought mostly organic products last time I shopped
93. Prevented the Sherri Shepherd sex tape from being released
94. Set Sen. Max Baucus's glasses on fire
95. Booed an opera at the Met
96. Got behind the whole "Washing your hands after you poop" trend
97. Resisted urge to "Take-a-penny"
98. Made a monument to Karl Malden out Swiss Cheese
99. Learned to breath through my nose
100. Found Barack Obama's original Hawaiian Birth Certificate

At least there's still the Time Person of the Year. Surely, Obama can't win that too.

I Had Dinner At Fucking Momofuku

2009-10-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

You're damn fucking right I did. For most of the time I lived in New York I was mere blocks away from all four outposts of David Chang's empire but I only managed to make it to one. And that was the Momofuku Milk Bar which almost doesn't count as Chang but it does because it's so awesome. That's all changed now that I've finally sat down at Momofuku Ssam Bar. What was the reason for finally eating there? Well, I'm finally getting around to cashing in on my graduation dinner which never happened because I nobody I am related to would eat here except my Mom. Thanks Mom!

So what's a Ssam? Well it's essentially a Korean wrap. You take a piece of meat, warp some lettuce around it and SSAM! You got an authentic Korean dish. Okay, there's a bit more to it, like say using Korean ingredients, but my point is that this has nothing to do with what is served at Ssam Bar. Maybe it was an accurate name when Chang envisioned the place as a burrito restaurant but the Ssam Bar has far outgrown it's moniker. Just take a gander at the menu and you'll see for yourself.

"What the fuck is the deal with the ham?" was the first thing I thought when I saw the menu. I love ham just as much as any American does but I don't think I have ever ordered it in a restaurant. It's a home made dish, period. In fact, I was going to skip over the hams but before going to dinner I did a quick search of what people had been saying about Ssam Bar and one thing seemed to be unanimous: get that goddamn ham.

(Note: Like a real dickhead I didn't take pictures of any of the dishes except the Pig Head. That I Twitpic'ed.)

*

I ordered the Virginia Ham because the waitress said it was the smokiest (and I do loves my hams smoked). Here's the deal, the ham is sliced incredibly thin and served with a unique gravy and two slice of bread. At first I was turned off, everything was just so fucking bold that my tongue had to reprocess everything it knew about ham. Also, I went overboard on the gravy which turned out to be some tongue kicking shit. I'm not sure what it is because it tasted like a bizarre mix of coffee, peanut butter and mustard but after properly augmenting the dose I was treated to a ballet of ham in my mouth. If I'm ever on Death-Row this is what I want in my belly as I'm fried. It's that good.

Next up were the Pork Buns. They are gospel.

How could I not order something called Crispy Pig Head? It was the most eye opening item on the menu and the one my Mom figured I would immediately want to order. Granted, this is nothing like what you think it is (or is it?). It's more like a Pig Head Nugget. Okay, more exactly it's a pulled pig head meat that seems to be wrapped in fat, possibly breaded and deep fried. I am so not sure of any of those details but it sums up what I thought of it. This was really tasty until the last bites when it was just fat and deep fried material. I'm still a bit freaked out over what that fat was. I enjoyed the dangerous element of this dish and don't regret eating it for a second. Still, I would recommend your casual eater to order something else like that Sausage and Rice Cake dish.

Finally, we got the Spanish Octopus which was not what I expected it to look like at all but then again I had no idea what to expect. I can't even find pictures of this dish but imagine a row of diced up cantaloupes, fushima peppers (Yeah fucking fushimas! I know!) and Octopus tentacle then a second row of pureed avocado. This was light and refreshing compared to the hamtacular we'd been feasting on. It was practically a desert. You'd be surprised with how similar the consistency is between cantaloupe and Octopus.

Overall, this meal was fantastic and I'm not just saying that. Okay, I am because it was. I can't wait until I have a job and my friends have jobs so we can all go there and eat and laugh and drink and eat all night without having to ditch the bill. Like we always do. Sigh.

Ghost Hunter!

2009-10-04T12:39:00.001-07:00

Something's been haunting me for a while. No, I'm not talking about "the white man's burden" or "Christianity's self-guilt" because everyone has those one way or another (except those damn Buddhists). I'm talking about ghosts! BOO! I have always believed that I live in a haunted house. But the more investigating (i.e. thinking about it for a few minutes) I did the more I realized that my house may not be haunted. For a place to be haunted one thing needs to happen: a person must die there or, at the very least, have a damn good reason to haunt there. My scattered childhood memories remember meeting the people from whom my parents bought our house from. The husband sort of looked like Bob Barker and his wife a tad like Phyliss Diller. They were cordial, pleasant and nice. Definitely not the ghost type. So nobody has actually died here. But that doesn't explain a few things like these.

Pretty fucking creepy. Those are clearly the feverish scratch marks of an enslaved orphan. But I can't just jump to conclusions right? You could say that those scratches were caused by a bad pet but you'd be wrong. Well, maybe. There's no way to say for sure so my house could be haunted by orphans. Oddly enough there maybe something to this theory. Many moons ago I had a particularly horrifying nightmare about a small girl that lived in the closet in my bedroom. The horrifying part was that she had no eyes and screamed a lot plus there was weird blood everywhere. The upside was she loved Sega Genesis.

Other then someone dying in my home there is a second possible way to induce a haunting. In some ghost circles it is believed that certain objects maybe imbued with spirits of the dead. So it's very possible that something that's been brought into this house has brought along an angry being but what could it be?

Maybe my Dad's Pipe Organ. It was bought off of Ebay for the suspicious sum of less then $100. It sure sounds like it might be haunted. I'm going to have to do some investigating and see if there is a dead orphan body inside. Perhaps maybe a midget.

There's also my Dad's stuffed animal Crocodile. There's just something I can't quite put my finger on about it. I am on your case.

Or perhaps my Mom is trapping people's souls in her paintings. I'm sure there have to be some ghost social circles that believe that besides just look at that painting. Can't you feel a soul crying out?

Or it could be the ghost of Leon Trotsky. I mean I did get this book for cheap off of Amazon and just look at that cover. He's nuts looking! Besides, Trotsky has every reason to haunt the Earth. He fought off his assassin even after getting a ice pick to the head. That's enough right there to haunt the Earth for a while.

Anyway, I'm going to get to the bottom of this readers. I'm going to find these ghosts one way or another. Even if it means tearing up my sister's bedroom.

Starting Over

2009-09-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been in jail for the last month. If you read my last post you would know that I purchased 300 tiny uzis, gave them to my bees and let them free. Apparently that was all very, very illegal. Not to mention that the man I bought my tiny Uzi's from, Hector, was actually undercover and I was snared in an illegal beehive crime sting (which is sort of ironic in the "Haha, sting! Get it?" kind of way). So now I'm totally bankrupt, homeless and considered an ex-con by most of society.

Naturally, by homeless I mean I'm living back at my parent's home. So that may not technically be homeless but I still don't own a home. Quid pro quo, I am homeless. Now while home you may think,"Well Dan, just start farming again" Well I've been legally barred from running any farms by Judge Harland. My definition of farm is wildly at odds with what the courts consider one to be. Apparently you need to "grow crops." So, I've taken the liberty of growing my own sort of crop. You see in my spare time I like to dabble in genetics. I like to fancy myself as a regular Francis Crick. That's why I have devised this stunning genetic formula.

I combined DNA from a Venus Flytrap with my own DNA (or as I call it DAN). The only catch is that I have absolutely no idea what I am sowing. But don't worry dear reader, I already have it planted in the garden and in no time soon you will see what I have reaped!

I Love Bumblebees!

2009-08-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

Some of you may not know but in addition to my faltering llama farm I also own and operate a faltering bumblebee mill. I'll get to the faltering part in a minute but first I want to express my deep rooted love for all things bumblebee. Bumblebes are awesome! They're like God's little helper if God had an insatiable craving for honey and/or was a Queen Bee. They fly around all day, all bumbly like, and poke their plump bodies into flowers to soak up that wonderful nectar high. Don't be fooled by stories about bees and crack cocaine! Those are just a few bad apples, doped up by the government in order to start a bee smack epidemic. Nectar is the bumblebee's real drug of choice. On the flip side bumblebees are the pimps of the flower world. As we were all taught in Bees 101 in grade school when a bumblebee flies from flower to flower not only is it getting a wicked nectar buzz and sweet, sweet pollen to bring back home to the young'uns but it's also spreading the seed from male to female flower. They're like mother nature's version of Craigslist ad posted by an older married couple for a hot younger man preferably black or latino. Just think about it for a moment. What is there to not like about bumblebees?

That's why I started my own bumblebee mill. "Dan, what's a bumblebee mill?" I'm glad you asked. It's a lot like a puppy mill but for bumblebees. You see, many years ago I got the perfect idea for what was sure to be the hottest new pet. I used to be highly allergic to all forms of furry critters. Whenever we went to a petting zoo I had to wear a bubble which as you can imagine defeats the whole purpose of going to a petting zoo. However, I was able to use this disability to my advantage and saw a whole new arena in pet keeping: BUMBLEBEES. Who doesn't love a good bumblebee? They make for the best role models. Why do you think people around the office say "I'm busy as a bee" all the time? Because people desperately want to imitate the bee's work habit. So, I figured that people would love to have a pet bumblebee. "But Dan how do you capture a bumblebee?"

Pretty complex stuff, right? Granted, by law I cannot show you how I capture my bumblbebees but it's really similar to this minus the boat. Once I got my captured bumblebee I then carefully wrestle it into submission and while it is passed out I slip a leash on it. Now I can take my bumble bee to market! Business (or Beesness as I like to say) was good. That was until the inevitable recession. I thought that people would always want a pet bumblebee. Just look at them! But beesness did start to slow and I couldn't figure out why. When I started people were all abuzz about it. Local news crews from all over the tri-county area came to shoot stories about my pet Bumblebees. There was even a reporter who was sent from Australia's equivalent of The New Yorker, which is called The Melbourner, to write story on me. Just what was going on? Well, I did a little Web 2.0ing and found this disturbing video.

Apparently, any prepubescent cretin can get their own pet bumblebee simply by putting one in a freezer and then while it warms itself back to life attaching a piece of string to it. Voila! It's that easy and I'm sure that all the kids know. Now my entire beesness is falling apart. I just don't know what to do. Sure, I guess I could start using the bumblebees to make honey but that's so passe. It'll soon be autumn and these bees will have to go into hibernation or whatever it is they do when the seasons change. I'm just so disenfranchised. That's why I have gone to the liberty of ordering 300 tiny Uzi's and preparing to let my bumblebees loose. Why the 300 tiny Uzi's? Naturally, from all the coddling I provided these bumblebees they are about as cunning hunters as your pet dog. So they need everything they can to protect themselves.

365 Days of Movies: Frost/Nixon

2009-08-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Having lived through the Presidency of George W. Bush (Brought to you by Dick Cheney) I think it's safe to say that Richard Nixon wasn't that bad of a President. Sure, he escalated the war in Vietnam and illegally spied on some Americans but Bush started two wars and illegally spied on a lot of Americans. On the other hand Nixon proposed the Environmental Protection Agency, signed into creation the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, took America off the Gold Standard, visited China and hell he even wanted to mandate employer bought health insurance for employees. Bush did... So, why is Nixon still so universally reviled?

And the answer is character. Nixon is just such a confounding individual. Phillip Roth described Nixon's personality as "so fantastic, so weird and astonishing, that I found myself beginning to wish I had invented." Nixon was a self-loathing over-achiever, a paranoid politician. What the hell was he thinking when he decided to get into politics in the first place? He either hated himself or hated everyone around him and decided to take that hate out in the form of prodigious work. I don't even want to imagine what Bush would have been like if he had half of Nixon's drive (although I imagine there might have been a lot less Cheney).

What's great about Frost/Nixon is how much it doesn't feel like a Ron Howard film. That's not a dig at the man, who has made some good films, but a testament to just how mature of a film Frost/Nixon is. It's a lot like Good Night and Good Luck in tone. The difference is that David Frost is an immediately likable guy while Edward R. Murrow is just a plain hard-ass. Most of Frost/Nixon is spent with Frost as he tries to secure funding to interview Nixon (who was paid a then unheard of $600,000 for his time), assembles a crack team of fact checkers in Oliver Platt and Sam Rockwell, woo one woman and go to a party or two. I actually wouldn't mind a movie about the life of David Frost but that could just be that Michael Sheen is just so damn good here.

Look, acting like Richard Nixon is easy. The man was a walking parody. So I don't quite get the hype around Frank Langella's performance. I mean, he's good (and just to prove to myself he was I did a little YouTube comparing) but he's not that good. The problem is that he just doesn't look like Nixon. I know that's a stupid complaint but really it bugged me the whole time. Especially since Sheen looks like Frost. Sure, Langella nails Nixon's mannerisms but he just doesn't have the total package.

Fortunately, the rest of the film is. Frost/Nixon is just plain solid. The only thing I can say that's wrong about it is that it doesn't go even more in-depth. At the start of the interviews the film cuts back between Frost and Nixon and the producers from both of their sides. It's an interesting dynamic and adds tension to what's otherwise a boring interview. Later on in the film when the interview gets downright contentious there's no cutting to the behind the scenes which kind of frustrated me. Kevin Bacon should have been flipping his shit. I understand why Howard did this because the interviews more interesting but I wish he had gone a little farther but that's just a minor quibble. Overall, Frost/Nixon is great.

365 Days of Movies: The Last Dragon

2009-08-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Way back in Web 1.0 I came across the image of Sho'nuff. I can't remember much of the details but I do know he was one of the earliest memes I ever saw (and this was before the word meme was in vogue). The problem was, as is true for most films that you discover on the Internet, I didn't have access to The Last Dragon. That has all changed (Netflix on Demand baby) and finally I can say I've seen what is probably the best tribute to Bruce Lee made by a Motown music mogul (which is probably way too specific genre to judge anything in but I haven't seen every film involving a Bruce Lee imitator so there).

Bruce Leroy is training to become the greatest fighter ever. The problem is that he's living in New York City in the mid 1980's. As open minded and freaky as the times were they still didn't take too kindly to the aspiring martial artist. Bruce's little brother and family are embarrassed by what he's trying to do. That all changes when Bruce comes to the aid of Laura Charles, a local music video host who's entangled with some nasty businessmen. Naturally Bruce becomes obsessed with her but he has other problems. Mainly Sho'nuff who has made it his top priority to teach Bruce who's number one.

The Last Dragon is the Purple Rain of martial arts film. That is definitely overselling it, considering Purple Rain is fucking Purple Rain, but it goes a far way in conveying the mood of the film. I probably wouldn't be making that comparison if Berry Gordy wasn't involved. Clearly much of the film's style, which is derived from its musical trappings, comes from Gordy's hand. It does have one killer soundtrack.

What The Last Dragon really is is your typical guy fights for girl movie that's wrapped in the world of music business and martial arts. It feels like a live action Saturday morning kids cartoon. All the characters are over the top, including the bumbling villains, obnoxious 80's pop star, bug-eyed parents and Sho-freaking-Nuff. None of it is out of place and all of it fits perfectly with the films cartoon tone. I mean, the way the film lets characters know if they've attained master status is by making them glow. Seriously! It's that goofy but it works because it doesn't take itself seriously (and that glowing revelation just sort of pops up at the end randomly) nor is it sarcastic.

It's hard to be critical on a film that's as earnest as The Last Dragon. It know exactly what it is or at least appears to and doesn't act above it. Sure, it does have some slow moments where I sort of lost track as to who Leroy was chasing but it keeps things moving. The Last Dragon doesn't bog itself down. Even better is that Sho'Nuff is just as great as a character as I hoped he was going to be. This is really good considering how much bigger of an icon he is then the rest of the movie. I was afraid that Sho'Nuff would suffer from Darth Maulism, which is when the villain is incredibly bad-ass looking but only does 5 minutes of stuff before getting killed. Sho'Nuff delivers.

So if it's early in the morning and you're unemployed and you have nothing better to do but eat a bowl of sugary cereal then you might as well watch The Last Dragon. It's as fun as I hoped it was going to be and there are hardly enough good martial arts films to go around.

365 Days of Movies: Prince of Darkness

2009-08-21T19:56:00.001-07:00

2009 has not been a good year for royalty, especially princes. We all know that Michael Jackson was the Prince of Pop but recently the Prince of Darkness himself died, Robert Novak. What does this have to do with today's movie? Well, it turns out that the secret green ooze in John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness

It turns out that Barack Obama isn't the Anti-Christ. In fact, the Anti-Christ has been on Earth for thousands of years in the basement of a church in L.A. Also, the Anti-Christ is a swirling mass of green ooze inside a giant chamber. Not quite what you were expecting, right? Well, it's neither what a Professor and his students expect when they're contacted by a priest to observe, analyze and figure out what to do with this chamber of goo.

Unlike previous John Carpenter films Prince of Darkness doesn't have any characters. There are actors who play roles but none of them are developed enough to be considered a Jack Burton or Snake Plissken or MacReady. Okay, maybe I have character mistaken for Kurt Russell but still Prince of Darkness is one of Carpenter's least charming films. Sure the characters have their moments but they don't add up to much. Which is disappointing since the cast is a funky mix of actors from Big Trouble in Little China and Halloween plus Alice Cooper as a bum!

While Prince of Darkness is sorely lacking in the character department it more then makes up for it with a creepy atmosphere and an interesting plot device in the ooze. At the center of the film is the clash between science and religion, since the Priest is forced to enlist the help of godless physicists. But it turns out there ain't much for science to do other then have green ooze snowballed into its mouth by religion.

Naturally, as the Professor and his students set-up their millions of computers (for what's supposed to be a covert experiment they seem to have taken every single computer on at least 3 college campuses) the ooze starts to act funky. When one of the girls goes to investigate she notices that it's leaking and before she can do anything the ooze finds itself in her mouth and turns her into a pawn of Satan. Meanwhile, as the ooze accumulates power, more and more homeless people, led by Alice Cooper, surround the Church and stare hypnotized at it. Soon more and more of the students begin to disappear until the Professor and Priest realize that they're too late.

Now that sounds like a set-up for one big clusterfuck, right? Well, sort of. You see things do get disastrously worse for the Priest, Professor and students but not that bad because a lot of dumb movie stuff happens. The hordes of homeless people do nothing. They easily could have ransacked the building but instead just stand around and kill sparingly. Maybe I'm just disappointed that Alice Cooper doesn't do anything. When one character is trapped in a room that's next to the Anti-Christ he waits until the worst possible moment to start digging his way out. Our characters really can't outrun those homeless people? It's just not that ballsy of a film as The Thing nor is it buoyed by big personalities (i.e. characters) like in The Thing. In fact it's not enough like The Thing.

Okay that's not fair but Prince of Darkness is a flawed film. It has its moments, like when the translator gets possessed or the black guys entirely too eager performance or the creepy recurring dream, but in the end it's just a middling John Carpenter film. Which means it's head and shoulders above most horror schlock and that I've only been hard on it because John Carpenter has done better.

Dude is a Lady

2009-08-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a disturbing trend in the news lately and it all came to a head this week when South African runner Caster Semenya was accused of being a man. Perhaps having the last name of Semen-ya may have tipped them off or it could just be that Caster looks freakishly like a man.

Then last week this photo surfaced of what is supposedly Steven Tyler and not Janice Dickinson. Now there has been some speculation that Tyler faked his injury and is undergoing a secret sexual reassignment surgery. This speculation is being entirely made up by me in order to fill up blog space. But can you deny such implausible hearsay when you look at the man.

Now I'm not even going to get into the Lady Gaga Disco Stick fiasco that was brewed by one Perez Hilton. You would think as a member of the LGBLT Community that Mr. Hilton would have some respect for her Ladyship Gaga. But no, not when he has to maintain a rabid web audience that feeds on celebrity scum. I wish the world never knew the horrifying truth of Lady Gaga but it only added more evidence to my troubling observation.

Clearly, the disturbing trend I've noticed is that something is messing with mankind's gender. In an article by Nicholas Kirstof of the New York Times he talks about the rise of gender mutating endocrines in water. Scientists have noticed that Salmon were fertilizing themselves, Frogs were growing extra genitalia, the Penis Fish was discovered and other shocking sexual changes in our sea creatures. They're are even Drag Fish now. What's worse is that these endocrines are also in our drinking water. Suddenly all this gender confusion makes sense. No wonder Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have fused together to form the entity known as Speidi.

Even purported gay fish Kanye West was revealed to be Amber Rose when he went topless at a European beach recently.

The only prescription for such a troubling trend is clear. We need to stop drinking water and start drinking more soda pop beverages like Faygo!

I've always thought that those Juggalos knew something the rest of us didn't.

365 Days of Movies: Grindhouse

2009-08-20T21:42:00.001-07:00

Inglorious Basterds, Inglorious Basterds, Inglorious Basterds. It's all anyone is talking about these days. Stop. I know this is exactly how I began my Avatar post but in this case it's actually true mainly because Basterds is out today. So to put myself in the mood I decided to watch the only Quentin Tarantino film I haven't seen yet, Grindhouse or well more accurately Death Proof. But you know I might as well treat myself to the full blown Grindhouse experience. This is how these things were meant to be seen.

If you haven't already figured it out I enjoy these awful films that Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez are homaging here. I'll be the first to admit that most of them are terrible films that usually have one or two really good ideas worth purging. I tried to watch the original Inglorious Bastards and found it to be awful, boring and barely schlocky enough to get a kick out of in that regard. But every so often you'll stumble upon one that can legitimately be called a movie. Cannibal Holocaust for instance has no right being as good as it is but damn if it's not a masterpiece of this grindhouse genre.

August 19th

Here's one problem with Grindhouse. It's really, really long. I'm so glad I was able to take a break after Planet Terror was over. This isn't something I say against the movie so much as the presentation of both of the films. Making people endure your boyhood fantasy for over three hours is asking an awful lot from an audience. So you better be bringing your A-game. I feel as though Rodriguez might have thought this to and decided to let loose all the maniac violence he's been holding back as he made three Spy Kids movies.

Turns out Rodriguez has been holding back way too much. About what felt like an hour or so into the film I checked the running time only to find I was a half hour into Planet Terror. Grindhouse feels like the longest movie ever. I just can't imagine what it would have been like to see this thing in a theater without the luxury of the pause buton. That's not to say that Grindhouse is bad but that large portions of it are.
I would go as far to say that Planet Terror is one of Rodriguez's better films this decade. Still that's not saying much.

Planet Terror is about a group of infected soldiers trying to pursue a toxic chemical that will keep them alive or cure them or something plus loads of other superfluous storylines involving strippers and doctors. There's a lot of novel ideas thrown around which are buoyed by some great character actors. However, Rodriguez is juggling way too much and it shows. I saw the films "Missing Reel" gimmick as an actual manifestation of its haphazardness. The real Grindhouse story is following those soldiers on their mission.

The problem is that even though Rodriguez decided to tell a much larger story he clearly couldn't handle it. By the end of Planet Terror most of the main characters have been killed and replaced by scantily clad woman with guns who run around in the final battle with the soldiers. I don't care about these people nor were any of them major characters an hour ago. That's a bad thing especially when you have to maintain an audience for a whole other hour and half. Still Planet Terror is not without its merit. It has some spectacular gore and a few nifty ideas but man did I find it a slog.

August 20th

Much to my surprise Tarantino made a film that was more boring then Planet Terror but paradoxically more thrilling. Perhaps the biggest shift in tone here is the actual quality of the film. While Rodriguez shot Planet Terror digitally he decided to make it look like an old film. Except once again he went way too far. Did these two even talk about this little fact? That maybe Rodriguez should tone it down or actually shoot on film? To his credit Tarantino shot on film and from the looks of it decided to just not clean it so much which lends it all the more credibility.

Clearly, Tarantino's film is spiritually more of a Grindhouse film. That doesn't make it any good though. Death Proof is easily the worst film that Tarantino has made thus far. That's not saying much though since he hasn't made a single bad film which is probably one other reason Death Proof is so disappointing. The big problem with it is the talking. Sure, we all know Tarantino loves his chatter and we love it too. It's his biggest asset. The catch is that the people delivering his lines are doing interesting things (they're assassins or bankrobbers or samurai warriors). When you make them just regular people doing mundane things the Tarantino shine is lost.

I'll admit that I fast-forwarded through a few of the longer stretches Tarantino babble. The other problem with Death Proof is that everyone is acting as if they're in some sort of Tarantino parody film. At least Kurt Russell shows up to prove that he's still a bad mofo. Death Proof almost makes up for itself with Zoe Bell's insane stunts and a very well done car chase. I was actually thrilled by it unlike most of Planet Terror's over the top but fake theatrics. But if it ain't way too little way too late. By halfway through I had already checked out and was just interested in seeing what sort of mayhem Tarantino has devised. There's just one terrific crash and that's it. There's just not enough here to justify calling it a movie. So in a sense it's a lot like a bad grindhouse film that nobody wants to see. Too bad it had to come from Tarantino.

The best part about Grindhouse are those fake trailers. They're just fantastic. I'm not going to ruin them but seriously check them out even if you haven't the slightest bit of interest in Grindhouse. It's weird that a 3-minute trailer can perfectly get what Tarantino and Rodriquez couldn't for 3-hours. Oh well, at least this means I'll never have to watch Grindhouse again.

My Top Secret Visit to the Set of Avatar

2009-08-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

Avatar, Avatar, Avatar. It's all anyone is talking about these days. Anyone being film geekdom that is. For those of you who hadn't notice that James Cameron hasn't made a legitimate feature film in 12 years Avatar is his latest endeavor. What's been taking him so long? Well, the man got bit with Titanic fever and has spent a better part of the past decade under water looking at the wreckage and shooting elaborate Imax 3-D films about looking at the wreckage. Unfortunately, James Cameron is the only person in the world who cares enough about the Titanic to watch 3-D films about it. So that sort of limited his appeal.

All the while exploring the Titanic, Cameron was finessing an epic sci-fi film that would change the way mankind perceived the entire f'n universe. Thousands of millions of years ago the Mayans predicted that one day a movie would come along like this and Cameron is hell bent on fufilling their prophecy. That's why he has gone to extraordinary lengths to make the most technological advanced film in order to make the Mayans proud. Fortunately, thanks to a few excellent connections in the "biz" I was able to fanagle my way on to the set of Avatar and was oh so lucky enough to take a few pictures. Now that the trailer has been officially released I can show you just how far Cameron is stretching what we call film-making.

For those of you who have had their eyes fully fornicated by the trailer the before picture is on the left and the after picture is on the right. Astonishing, isn't it? Cameron has employed a radical new technique into cinema. Instead of using actual actors, actual props, actual sets, actual lighting, actual cameras and everything pertaining to the film-making process Cameron is blazing a new path by shooting things and replacing them all with CGI. If only Orson Welles could have had it so good.

To say I was a little stunned by what I saw on set would be putting it mildly. I had to have my jaw digitally erased from the floor. Cameron was shooting this by himself, alone on the biggest set that 20th Century Fox could give him, and with whatever objects were just lying around. Cameron had this to say to me about what he was trying to accomplish: "The goal is that when I'm done shooting I'll have hundreds of hours of raw footage that can be shaped and sculpted by a computer into what I have visually created in my head." Truly the words of an auteur.

While I was allowed on set I was not allowed anywhere near the script. So I'm just going to blindly speculate as to what's going on in all the scenes depicted here. The two above have got to be early on when Sam Worthington's character arrives on the alien planet to get an incredibly risky brain-swap Matrix surgery. You see, he's crippled and utterly useless to his country/planet/blind fascist military organization but his mind is perfect. So, in order to be of any use he has his brain downloaded into a Na'vi (and that's where the title Avatar comes from!).

What's a Na'vi? Well, take the fairies from FernGully, add some minced Dr. Manhattan and top it off with the Blue Man Group. Plus, I'm detecting a faint Furry/Plushie vibe from these alien creatures. Maybe Uncle Jim has spent a little too much time in that submarine. Anyway, the Na'vi are the indigenous population on a planet that the humans presumably want for themselves. I'm going to go out on a limb and say a global warming induced apocalypse has left Earth uninhabitable and man has temporarily moved into Outer Space as he searches for a new home. But I'm only guessing here, folks!

The risky operation goes off without a hitch and before you can finish pronouncing Worthington the main character of Avatar is now a complete CGI creation. Cinema sure has come far. So, Worthington's mission as a Na'vi is to infiltrate their society and report back to the humans on all the juicy details. Even though the humans have giant robots and guns they're still no match for an indigenous, slightly primitive alien population (cue War on Terror analogy).

Naturally, Worthington develops some serious doubts about his mission which is compounded by the fact that he falls in love with a fellow Na'vi. This is precisely what he told himself not to do. Oh well!

Okay, I don't want to give too much of the plot that I am making up for Avatar but I'll just say that it ends with Worthington being re-downloaded back into his old, crippled body and his Na'vi lover finding out the truth. He's afraid she'll reject him but instead she loves him even more. This all happens in the middle of the climactic struggle between Man and Na'vi. Then they both appear and demonstrate to the warring sides that the power of love conquers all and everybody puts down their weapons and has an intergalactic party-down/orgy ala Return of the Jedi. That's not giving too much away, right?

This truly could possibly be the greatest film in the history of cinema ever or maybe not.

365 Days of Movies: Renegade Cop Edition!

2009-08-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

In the climax of your last movie you tried to run Bruce Campbell over with a truck but instead got impaled by a giant steel rod and crashed into the ocean. Fortunately for you before we cut to the credits a hand appears out of the ocean. Bam, we got our out for a sequel.

August 16th

Surprisingly, Maniac Cop 2 begins immediately after Maniac Cop. It starts with Bruce Campbell and Laurene Landon trying to convince the chief of police that Officer Matthew Cordell is a horror film villain and that nothing short of decapitating his head and incinerating his body can guarantee his demise. (Even then his spirit could inhabit another body. I'm just saying.) As they make their case Cordell is on the street and already shooting store owners and letting robbers go free. Pretty soon Cordell catches on to Campbell and Landon's trail and, well I don't want spoil anything but this is a movie called Maniac Cop 2 and the odds of you watching it are very, very low so I'm just going to ruin it anyway, promptly murders them.

Enter Robert Davi, who looks so much like Michael Ironside here, the new protagonist for the duration of the Maniac Cop series. I'm not too sure what it says about a film when you have to drop Bruce Campbell in favor of the strip club owner in Showgirls but it can't be a good thing. Which is why I was shocked to see how good Davi is in this. I love the Chin as much as any card carrying geek but let's be real here, he's a horrible serious actor. When the role calls for some tongue in cheeking Campbell is perfect. When the role calls for grim crime scene investigating Campbell isn't perfect. Davi works and he works so well as a cop I'm surprised he was never cast as one on a TV show.

Anyway, Davi takes over the case and discovers that Cordell had been wrongfully imprisoned and that maybe overturning the case and giving him a proper funeral will ease his vengeful soul. This kind of works except that Cordell has already mounted an assault on Sing Sing Prison to kill the people who mutilated him in the first place and to cause overall mayhem and panic. It may sound like I've skipped over some vital details or what some people may call a plot but I haven't. While watching it with a friend we decided to go out so I paused the movie thinking that I was maybe half-way through it. Turns out there was only 15 minutes left in the film. It's so plotless that I hardly noticed that most of the film was over.

August 17th

Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence (but really should be called Back on Duty) picks up right where the last one left off. You really have to admire a horror series that actually sticks to continuity, even if the bad guy is returning from the grave after being set on fire, ramming himself through a cement brick wall and falling on to a bus that just so happens to be explosive. This time around there's an actual plot. A brash cop is wrongfully accused of murdering a hostage in a drug store robbery involving Jackie Earle Haley. Now by being wrongfully accused I mean that a pair of scum bag news cameramen were on the scene and edited the footage to look like a massacre. The entire ordeal leaves the cop in a coma. Fortunately for her she's friends with Robert Davi, a man who never lets a friend die with a bad name.

Anyway, Matthew Cordell comes back from the grave again (but this time by the powers of Voodoo! I swear.) and soon hears about this new "maniac cop." Not one to take such comparisons in stride Cordell vows to clear her name and marry her. There's a weird Bride of Frankenstein vibe but it goes mostly unexplored. Maniac Cop 3 is better then Maniac Cop 2 if only for its fantastic ending. Let's just say it involves a ten minute long car chase involving a flaming Matt Cordell trying to take down an ambulance.

After watching the entire Maniac Cop saga I can say that the original is really where it is at. It's the only one here that has a beginning, middle and end which means that it is an actual movie. However, the series isn't that bad. The sequels are mercifully short and can be quite entertaining. If you're going to commit to a horror film series about an undead murderous cop you can't go wrong with Maniac Cop (then again if you are thinking about committing to a horror film series about an undead murderous cop then you have already gone seriously wrong).

And in closing, can someone please tell me what is up with Robert Z'Dar's face? He looks like Jim Ross from the WWE.

I bet you thought I was totally done with the cop out for revenge genre. I hope you didn't lose too much on that bet because I am back in the saddle or rather the backseat of a police car. Steven Seagal doesn't get the respect he deserves. Or rather he doesn't get the respect that he thinks he deserves. I'm hardly a disciple of the church of Seagal and I think I've only ever seen one of his films and that was Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Granted, I actually enjoyed that film when I caught it on The CW way back when it was called UPN.

August 18th

Stop me if you've heard this before. Steven Seagal plays a cop. Alright, I'll stop. Okay, I'll start again. Steven Seagal is Pornstar Mason Storm. I mean, Police Officer Mason Storm. Hard to Kill begins with Mason spying on some mafioso types on a dock but is immediately found out. Probably because he was ten feet away from them. Mason hightails it out of there and goes back home to his loving wife and son. You can kind of see where this is going, right? The mafia guys attack the Storm household, kill Mason's wife and leave him in a coma. Not to mention they scare away his son, steal the evidence that Storm has amassed (or do they?) and leave behind a ton of coke to really screw with Storm's reputation.

Storm is rushed to a hospital where one of his friends on the police force make the doctors to fake Storm's death in order to protect him from a reprisal attack. Seven years pass and Storm wakes up to a world that has, well, it really hasn't changed too much. People still want to kill him. Literally as soon as Storm wakes up from his coma someone is already in the hospital planning to murder him. Fortunately, Storm escapes and with the assistance of a nurse hides out at a ranch where he regains his strength and tries to figure out who killed his wife and left him in a coma.

Man, Hard to Kill sounds horrible. Trying to write a summary of it has been an hour-long slog. It's a really boring plot. Somehow this boringness never found itself in the actual film. Hard to Kill is inexplicably entertaining. The whole premise that Steven Seagal has been in a coma for seven years and with-in what feels like less then a week is already kicking ass and screwing the nurse (In his mind shouldn't it feel like his wife was murdered yesterday?) is gold. Pure poop gold.

There's loads of terrible one-liners, awesome shoot-outs and a lot of unexplained asian themed crap. I know Seagal is like a black belt Akido master but when did his character learn how to self-administer acupuncture? Whatever! It'll make for a great training montage scene. Hard to Kill is pretty haphazard but I wasn't looking for a well made film. I was looking for a film that would go well with a six pack of beer and Hard to Kill certainly goes well with that.

Celebrities Love the Homeless

2009-08-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Last month noted troubadour and scraggly human being Bob Dylan was detained in Long Branch, New Jersey on the grounds that he was possibly a homeless person. Dylan was walking through a neighborhood in the rain and took cover on the porch of a home for sale. Neighbors noticed Dylan and reasonably thought that he was a homeless man. Dylan's appearance so thoroughly alarmed the neighbors that one of them trailed him as he walked through the streets. Eventually they called the police to alert them of an "eccentric looking old man" prowling about. When a police officer asked him to identify himself she didn't believe that he man was Dylan. Even the police officer's sergeant said that the man was not Bob Dylan. Dylan then pointed them to where his tour bus was located and quickly the whole matter was sorted out. In all fairness, I bet most people would have acted the same way when confronted with 21st century Bob Dylan. Here's a picture from one of his most recent concerts.

So who can blame the citizens of Long Branch, New Jersey for calling the cops and for the cops for remaining skeptical of Bob Dylan's claim to be Bob Dylan? However, the real question here is why was Bob Dylan dressed like a homeless man? The man surely has enough money to afford a decent seersucker suit. Some can argue that dressing like a crazy bum is the best way for a famous person to mingle with the world incognito. But the real reason is that celebrities love the homeless. Or rather the idea of homelessness. You see in the late 20th to early 21st Century, the richer and more opulent a celebrity comes the more and more homeless he appears. It's the equivalent to how being fat was a symbol of wealth in the past or vomiting after a meal was the best compliment to the chef. I think. However, most people don't want to be homeless. They like living in things. So, I have devised a handy-dandy checklist of the basic things you will need to appear sufficiently homeless.

How to look Homeless
1 - Trash bag shirt
2 - Unwashed sweat pants
3 - Yellow rain boots
4 - Bag full of junk
5 - Stupid hat
6 - Fake cell phone

Jon Gosselin has even gotten in on the trend. He is the perfect example of the rags to riches to rags story. He went from being in a boring childless marriage to eight kids and a TV show to divorcing his wife and hanging out with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. Granted, Gosselin is what we would call a nouveau derelict. He's done nothing to earn his homelessness and is really just a poser. Once he really does hit rock bottom he won't be wearing those Ed Hardy shirts because he thinks they're cool but really because the shirts are as indestructible as a cockroach. However, it's not just selfish douchebags that have embraced being homeless.

That's right, at one time Colonel Sanders was homeless. Unlike the new crop of homeless celebrities, Sanders earned his homelessness by being born in 1890 to a hard-scrabble family. He came up with nearly one thousand and nine get rich schemes before discovering the formerly secret fried chicken recipe. Some say that one day while Sanders was walking through an empty pasture the angel Moroni appeared to him and told Sanders the location of a set of gold plates that contained God's secret fried chicken recipe. Sanders immediately dug up the plates and soon opened the first Kentucky Fried Chicken. And the rest, as they say, is delicious. I mean history.

Of course, not everyone will be visited by a holy angel or become a famous folk singer or give birth to a lot of babies. What can they do? Just do what Quween of the Scene does and become a useful member of society by protecting celebrities from the paparazzi. Eventually, you'll get caught in a photo with a celebrity and get posted on the internet and can say that you have finally made the big time.

You make that American Dream yours, Quween!

Three-Hundred and Sixty-Whatever Movie Round-Up Part Deux

2009-08-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

August 7th

I went to a high school in New Jersey and I can vouch that they are all mutant breeding grounds. Whether or not this is caused by the school being built out of radioactive material I do not know. Nether the less my stay at Neptune High School was a formative experience. Unfortunately, my honors society didn't turn into a band of drug dealing, motorcycle riding, punk rock bullies. That's pretty much the ridiculous conceit of the Class of Nuke'em High. When it's first said on-screen I thought it was just a silly joke but it's not. They really are the honors society. I know exactly what to expect from Troma: cheap, dirty fun and typically that dirt has a lot of blood and ooze in it too. Class of Nuke'em High is no exception.

August 8th

In the annals of on-screen partnerships, Clint Eastwood and Clyde the Orangutan is surely one for the ages. I didn't expect to enjoy Every Which Way But Loose so much but damn it I did. Clint Eastwood is Philo Beddoe a part-time truck driver, all-time ass kicker. He gets in fights for eating peanuts. Philo also has a pet Orangutan, Clyde, and a wise-cracking Ruth "The Hotness" Gordon and a human partner but it's really all about Clyde. Why? Because he's a freaking orangutan, duh! Anyone in film can tell you about the Ape Rule which plainly states that the more screen time an Ape has on-screen then the better the film is going to be. That's why the Planet of the Apes saga is the greatest in cinema history. It's a fact. Anyway, Philo falls in love with a singer who runs away and he chases after her and along the way manages to get into a fight with a vengeful cop and Clyde flips off a motorcycle gang forever cementing their eternal rage. I wish I could send this film back to my 8 year-old self.

August 9th

Early one morning as I browsed Netflix on Demand on my friend's X-Box did I stumble upon a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell. Now what does a film with a title like that conjure in your mind? Hot woman-dinosaur sexual relations, naturally. Well, that's now what you're getting. In fact, if you cut out the one boob shot in the entire film you have what is essentially a PG kids film. Basically, the nukes went off and mankind regressed to a primitive state and the dinosaurs came back. The titular Nymphoid, Lea, lives with her partner Marn as hunter-gatherers. One day while out they run into Clon, a cannibal hunter with a gang of lizard people. Clon kidnaps Lea and attempts to take her back to his castle. Meanwhile, Marn is taught some lesson by an old guy and Lea escapes and gets captured and escapes, etc. Sure, the film delivers on the dinosaurs since there are quite a few of them and the world created is perfectly decimated. But our Lea's nymphomania is nonexistent. Not that I'm trying to sound sexist but it certainly would have spiced up the film. I imagined a film where Lea just screwed her way to more powerful protectors, going from her lover boy to the hardened hunter to a king or some New World leader. In any event, it's a good film for a dumb 8 year-old who's not ready for, oh say, Conan the Barbarian.

August 10th

Bruce Campbell is wrongfully accused of murder and must track down a renegade cop who is killing innocent people. Bam! That's all I needed to read in the summary to watch this throw-back of a horror film. In fact, the film feels like perfect MST3K material. It takes itself way too seriously but is also over the top wacked out. The Maniac Cop murders half a police station and no one bats an eye to it. Maniac Cop throws enough interesting things at the audience to make it consistently engaging and having a bad-ass soundtrack also helps. It's better then it has any right to be. A definite surprise and look forward to seeing the sequels soon.

August 11th

I've avoided Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter for some time now. It seems like it came out around that weird time when Jesus was making a big comeback as a t-shirt punchline and I just acted like the movie was another terrible outgrowth of that bad joke. Turns out the joke was on me. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is no quickie cash-in or heartless gag but a genuinely great film. Okay, I use genuine very loosely because Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is one big joke of a film in the vein of Mel Brooks or the Zucker brothers. What JCVH has is heart, like Jesus slashes a bad guys throat but immediately heals him because that's how Jesus rolls. It's an utter blast that I can't recommend enough. Sure, it may look like something you might have shot when you were a teenager but it's just so earnest that you can't help but go along with it. It's fun for the whole family!

August 12th

The first time I ever saw the McKenzie Brothers was when McFarlane Toys released their in-action figures of them. I didn't know who or what they were other then Rick Moranis was one of the guys (Sorry Dave Thomas but you weren't in either Ghostbusters or Honey I Shrunk the Kids). Many years later SCTV was released on DVD and I finally got to see the McKenzie's in their natural habitat. I wasn't too taken by them. I mean, sure they're funny but how were they so popular when compared to the other great stuff on SCTV? Because they are a perfect distillation of Canadian culture. The McKenzie's are like the Canadian version of Wayne's World (though Bill and Ted are closer to their irrelevant ethos) but with beer instead of rock, although Strange Brew has a neat soundtrack too. Strange Brew starts off totally loony then evens out, finds a plot and becomes a weird parody of Hamlet with Max Von Sydow. It's one of the better tv to film transitions and makes me wish that there was more.

August 13th

When you hear of a movie called Surf Nazi's Must Die you expect a movie that's probably a load of shocking and schlocky fun. I mean, to make a movie called Surf Nazi's Must Die you have to have some sense of humor. Well, that turns out to be the one thing seriously lacking this film's repertoire. Oh yeah, that and a decent plot. Apparently, South California was hit with a nasty earthquake that left the coast in shambles and prone to gang warfare. Well, there's really only one gang and their evil motherfucking Nazi's. Turns out these evil motherfuckers are our main characters for the entire film and damn does it suck. This could have been a surf version of The Warriors but instead it's a degenerate mess. There are scenes when the film earnestly tries to be poignant (really, there are!) and it feels so hopeless misguided. It's the complete opposite of Class of Nuke'em High. Just don't bother.

August 14th

Remember like two or three years ago when Poker was huge? I do. At my peak interest I even bought some of the books. Shit, Super System is staring me in the face now but that's mainly because it's the size of War and Peace (with size 22 font). Naturally, I heard about The Grand and to say the least I was excited for it. It starred Woody Harrelson, David Cross, Werner Herzog, Cheryl Hines, Chris Parnell, Gabe Kaplan and Richard Kind! What could possibly go wrong? The ghost of Christopher Guest that's what. The Grand is a mostly improvised movie that struggles so hard to appear not improvised. If the film were presented like the actual poker show game shows the improv would have worked but once you try to lay down an overarching plot onto the game things get hairy. By the end of the film Zak Penn is flying by the seat of his pants and pulling crazy shit out to forcefully tie things up. Oh well, The Grand has plenty of moments and is funny through out but like most poker games you'll just leave feeling empty. Nice try though!

August 15th

This is the film that Cloverfield oh so badly wanted to be. I hated Cloverfield. Wait no, I hated every moment that the monster wasn't on-screen. The characters sucked, did stupid things and I just wanted them to die. Plain and simple. Not to mention that the Cloverfield monster looks pretty dumb as an action figure. The Host is a carefully considered monster movie masterpiece. I definitely want a drink of the water from South Korea if this is the sort of stuff they keep churning out. It doesn't play dumb, it doesn't wait for things to happen and you see the monster with-in 10 minutes. It carries the anti-American chemical tampering Godzilla tradition while even satirizing South Korean politics. It's a breath of fresh air compared to all the other schlocky films I've been watching and one that carries itself with coolness and dramatic ease. I actually cared about the characters and wanted to see the monster get it's comeuppance. It's the kind of film Steven Spielberg used to make and that M. Night Shyamalan wishes he could make. I'm definitely searching out for more Bong Joon-ho films now.

Three-Hundred and Sixty-Whatever Movie Round-Up

2009-08-12T13:11:00.001-07:00

So in catching up with the 365 Days of Movies Project. I have decided to do a fast little recall as opposed to the longer form reviews. Mainly because most of the movies I have been watching are documentaries (since Netflix on X-Box is packed with them) and other films that don't necessarily deserve the full Goodwin treatment. No offense Shadowboxer.

July 31st

Quick, what's exciting about one football game that happened forty years ago between two Ivy League colleges? Nothing. Wrong! Okay, I was bored at the start of Harvard Beats Yale but as the film progressed I got more and more into it. I turned off my laptop, put my phone on silent and even left late to meet some friends at a bar because I was getting so into this. I remember wanting to see this way back when it was playing at Film Forum (and I still had my sweet membership there) but I missed it. I'm glad I did because I more then likely would have fallen asleep before the good stuff begins. The film is front loaded with a bunch of old Ivy League graduated white guys reminsining about the sixties. It's interesting but I've had the sixties force fed to me many times (Thanks College!). Even the start of the game is dull since it's a total blow-out for Yale. Then the game swings in the other direction and it's incredible. What's best is seeing these men re-imagine the game to revolve around themselves (especially the self-designated "bad guy"). Except for Tommy Lee Jones. I'm not even sure if he was realy there. I imagine Malcolm Gladwell ate this up.

August 1st

I really need to go to Shopsin's General Store some day, badly. I Like Killing Flies chronicles the restaruant moving locations but it's really about Kenny Shopsin. In fact, take Harland Ellison, put him in the kitchen and you got Kenny Shopsin. He's just as ornery, cranky but backs it up with a incomprehensibly huge intelligence and creativity. The menu at Shopsin's features over 900 items, all made from scratch by Kenny Shopsin himself. Most people fear the man because of his preference for profanity and for supposedly kicking people out. I Like Killing Flies doesn't paint this picture (unless you're a party of more then four). Instead Shopsin seems like a Dr. Samuel Johnson if you will, prone to hysterics but always intelligble. This is a smart documentary but one that ends with a broken heart. Seriously, the couldn't waited a little longer to see the new store grow? Oh well. I need to eat here stat.

August 2nd

Everyone I knew hated Dewey Cox. Hate might be too strong a word since some of them said there were a few funny moments but overall it sucked. I still really wanted to see it. The career arc of John C. Reilly is baffles me. I wonder if he's abandoned dramatic film ala Joaquin Pheonix? Okay, so I enjoyed Dewey Cox. I wasn't reeling (the good kind) like I did when I saw Anchorman many moons ago and I checked the running time quite often. Actually, I was a bit taken back by how straight-laced the humor was. There's plenty of running jokes in Dewey Cox but the real joke is how serious things are taken. It's the films modus operandi. Still I think it was a fun time.

August 3rd

I imagine if I saw Heavy Metal when I was a 8 years old I would have led a much different life. I probably would have gotten serious about playing the recorder and keyboard in grade school. I imagine I would have formed an 8th Grade Punk band (in Catholic school no less) then while in High School I would have gone into a Prog-Metal excess phase. I'd probably die sometime in my nineteens in a horrible thunder storm/goat heard out door concert accident. Anway, Heavy Metal is a teenage boy's ultimate wet dream fantasy. It doesn't hold up all the way and gets really funky (and flakey) but it's Heavy Metal.

August 4th

Shadowboxer is like The Room but with Academy Award winning actors, actual production values and a script written by Damon Dash (really, it's by him). It takes itself way too seriously and in doing so creates high comedy. Hellen Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr. are assissain lovers. That right there is enough to get me on board. I didn't even get to the acting stylings of Macy Gray or Mo'Nique and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's love affair or Stephen Dorff's tiny dorf. It's like Southland Tales but without all the bizzare alterna-history and interesting plot-twists. That means it's an empty, pretty, befuddling bore.

August 5th

This isn't the anti-steroids screed I thought it was going to be. In fact, it's a downright level headed assesment of the role steroids play in the world of atheletics. The director is clearly conflicted and the film shows. He tries to understand why people choose to juice and comes up with hardly much. It seems that people do steroids simply because they exist and they're proven to make you stronger. While the film delves into the history of steroid use it casts aside the title's asteriks (which is "And the Side Effects of Being American). If the director really wanted to go there he could have gone into how our army is practically all medicated or examine the role of advertising in creating the ideal man or woman. Instead, the film adheres closer to the director's personal story about his brothers then it does to tackling the bigger themes. Oh well. It's still good viewing and presents a compelling view especially in light of the puny football players in Harvard Beats Yale.

August 6th

If you see one movie in this round-up make it this. The Japanese really know the schoolgirl exploitation genre. The basic story is that a girl's brother gets bullied really bad one day. Like bullied to death bad. So she investigates and discovers that a Yakuza leader's son was the prime instigator. Naturally, she takes matters into her own hands until she loses one. Hand that is. The best way to capture the film is to imagine Quentin Tarantino doing a Troma film. Seriously, the film has the shlockiest special effects I've seen in a long time. When someone gets stabbed by a knife in the back of the head and through their mouth and then they start puking their intestinnes you know things are getting ridiculous. The acting is likewise crazy over the top. I especially loved the Abe Lincoln bearded dad and squealing mom. The Machine Girl is far more bloody fun then I thought it was going to be.

That should have me caught up completely, right? Wait, it's August 12? Ah crap.

The Recession is Destroying My Llama Farm

2009-08-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I own and operate a Llama Farm. Sure, it's no Dixie Doodle Llama Farm but it's the best damned Llama Farm in the tri-county area (the tri being Monmouth, Ocean and Middlesex). Excuse me, it was the best damned Llama Farm in the tri-county area. You see the recession has hit me hard. Really, really hard. The entire llama market dried up overnight. Nobody can afford a pet llama. Now you're probably saying "But Dan was there ever a pet llama market?" Was there? HA!

As Mickey Rourke can attest to llamas are huge! Well, they were huge. Now that the economy has crashed nobody can afford to take care of them and llamas are expensive to take care of. Like they're kind of the most expensive animal in the world to take care of. The reason is multitude. Llama's are temperamental creatures so they need psychologists and a llama psychologist does not come cheap. Of course you only need the psychologist at first until it becomes well adjusted to its new home. Then again some need psychologists for their entire lives.

Llama's are also very arthritic animals so you'll also need to get a llama acupuncturist. You'll need to hire a llama waste disposal expert because llama excrement can't be left to return to the Earth or disposed of in the trash. Why? Because llama poo is toxic. Now I know this sounds fairly ridiculous but owning a llama is serious business. You need an entire team of specialists to see to their needs. I'm not even going to get into spit maintenance.

So llamas are expensive and people aren't buying them and I have a shit load of'em. What do I do? I could slaughter them all and hold a giant Llama Barbecue but that would be barbaric. I have relationships with these majestic creatures. I could sell some of them off in a Llama Yard Sale but nobody can afford them! So I've had to do the unthinkable.

I've donated some of my herd to the local Six Flags Great Adventure Safari. Now I swore to myself when I started the Danny Goodwin Llama Dama Ding Dong Ranch that I would never allow any of my llamas to go to that disgusting excuse of a Safari. But I have no other choice. Sure, Six Flags is so lax in its llama care practices that they hire community college certified specialists but really there's nothing I can do. Over the next few weeks I will no longer be able to afford the services of Dr. Horatio Ruez, Dr. Janet Earfister, Dr. Hacheem Ill-Abhin, Dr. Alnami Duvack, Dr. Omnibus and Dr. C. Everett Koop. They were my team of llama professionals that attended round the clock service of my llamas.

This means that I have to reduce my llama capacity by 60%. I don't know how I can bounce back from this. I mean, I'll no longer be able to sell llama fur footsie pajamas or I'll have to reduce the size of my Llama Juice containers by 10 ounces! That only leaves 2! It's madness! Of course I could petition the government for some sort of llama bailout but I'm above that. Now I'm no Objectivist Llama Farmer but I know that Washington isn't at the beck and call of the llama industry. We barely have three llama lobbyists and one of them doubles for that foolhardy alpaca industry. Yeah, like those things will ever take off!

I'm at my wit's end. I wish there was a way that I could run away with Rondolfo Gustame', Clifford Jennings, Alice DeWitt and Sasha Fierce just to name a few of my llama pack. Oh well, at least they will still be near me and I can always visit them. I vow, though, that once this recession is over and the market for llamas and llama-based products has bounced back I will rescue my former pets in a heist so daring that there going to have to make Ocean's 14. Or I will just buy back my llamas at a discounted rate because Six Flags is going down the drains. Not like the llama industry.

365 Days of Movies: Run Lola Run

2009-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

I remember first seeing Run Lola Run many moons ago. No, I didn't actually watch it. I saw the DVD cover and thought, "That girl is hot." Did I pick the DVD up? No. Did I ever consider watching it? No. Did I do this multiple times and never bother buying it? Yes. Man, what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, seriously, what was going through my mind? Well it was early on in my DVD binging ways and foreign films just didn't appeal to me. I don't think I bought one until I discovered the Criterion Collection months later but by that point Run Lola Run was far gone in my mind. Flash forward to about a month ago. Adult Swim is playing an episode of American Dad. I'm not actually watching it so much as passing in and out of sleep at around 3 in the morning. I don't remember what the episode was about but I do remember the Dad running and suddenly the camera spinning around him. Now for some reason my mind immediately thought, "This must be a Run Lola Run parody," even though I have no conception of what a Run Lola Run parody would be. So, I decided right then and there to finally watch this movie and fell back asleep.

Wow, did I fuck up on this one. Of all the films I've been aware of but have never bothered to see this is probably the one I regret the most, so far. Run Lola Run is the bee's fucking knees, the cat's fucking pajamas, the crocodile's teeth, the well, it fucking rocks. It's not necessarily a film so much as it is a genuine thrill ride. Sure, that label gets bandied about for every summer action film under the sun but it's wrong. Just about all those summer action films slow down, get boring and just plain suck at some points. What exactly is thrilling about watching a bunch of pretty actors grapple with CGI explosions? Nothing. So, for a film that doesn't have a single explosion to step up to bat and completely smash what an action film can be is refreshing.

Calling Run Lola Run an action film might be disingenuous. It is but it's not what you're thinking. The premise is that Lola's boyfriend, Manni, needs to come up with 100,000 marks in twenty minutes or else he dies. The catch is that Lola has three times to accomplish her mission. How and why does she have three times? Who cares (I'm guessing that's what the movie is telling us). Sure, there's more to the plot but those are just the minor details. What Run Lola Run is really about is the experience and damn if it doesn't deliver.

It's a lot like a video game. Especially the concept of giving Lola three tries, which sounds an awful lot like dying in a video game. Even Lola looks like a character who could compare with Lara Croft (It's the hair). In fact, I'm surprised that no one has ever bothered to make a Run Lola Run video game.

In fact, here's my Run Lola Run video game pitch!

You play as Lola as she has to raise 100,000 dollars. The catch is you only have 20 minutes. Fortunately, the city you live in offers many opportunities to raise the cash. Whether it involves asking Daddy, robbing a bank, selling drugs, more robbery and okay, even more robbery. Once the game is over you can go back and play again but this time do everything completely differently. Sure, I haven't totally fleshed it out but I literally just imagined it. So see it could potentially be a real video game.

Did I mention that the soundtrack rocks? I'm a sucker for solid electronic soundtracks and Run Lola Run has a killer one. I'm not one to download movie soundtracks but Run Lola Run is definitely making its way to my iPod.

Run Lola Run is pretty close to a perfect film experience. I know that's a bold statement and that's why I said pretty close. Of course, it does have its lulls but they take place in-between the different runs and some of the things that happen to Lola don't go down so well with me. But really, these issues are already in the rear view mirror. If anything Run Lola Run doesn't leave much room for after movie chit-chat. At heart it's a dumb action film but with all the grace and dexterity of a, well, a much classier film. Check this out.