I mean if all you have to do to win a Nobel Peace Prize is to be born to an impoverished family with a delinquent Dad, move from place to place never knowing a true home, manage to get into Columbia and Harvard Law School, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, spurn significantly higher paying jobs to become a community organizer in Chicago, write two books, run and win a Senate seat, deliver stunning speeches that remind you that politicians can be eloquent, run a Presidential campaign that not only defeats the most cunning political family in the Democratic Party and the entire GOP machine to become the first black President of the United States and simply by doing so you immediately change the whole world's perception of America then I should have a dozen of them. Seriously, who hasn't done most of that stuff before they turned 48?
That's why I've compiled a list of things I have done in the past year (or 23 years) to prove how much more qualified I am to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, some of the stuff may not seem peaceful or for that matter relevant but hey Henry Kissinger and Lê Ðức Thọ won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 for ending the Vietnam War which actually ended in 1975 so there's a pretty loose definition of the word peace being thrown around in Oslo.
Daniel Goodwin's Nobel Peace Prize Bucket List
1. Rescued Euna Lee and Lisa Ling via Jetpack
2. Protested the Iranian Elections by turning Twitter avatar green
3. Continued to resuscitate Michael Jackson even after the Doctor's pronounced him dead
4. Remastered The Beatles catalog by hand
5. Castrated Lady Gaga
6. Inaugurated Barack Obama as President and Ended Racism in America
7. Put out the Black Saturday bushfires in Australia
8. Found the cure to Swine Flu
9. Read William T. Vollmann's Rising Up and Rising Down
10. Prevented Cloverfield from happening
11. Gave a Rabbi directions on New Jersey Transit
12. Ended the Recession
13. Killed Autotune
14. Killed Irving Kristol
15. Killed Robert Novak
16. Killed William Safire
17. Responsible for Forcing Quentin Tarantino to Make Inglourious Basterds
18. Started the Great Bacon Craze
19. Tried to Tell Kanye West not to drink all that Henessey at the VMA
20. Saved Prince's life by urging him to have hip surgery
21. Donated 32% of my organs to orphans
22. Also donated 4 gallons of blood in one sitting
23. Prevented the Rhino from going extinct
24. Ended Darfur
25. Got Iraq's Shit Together
26. Baked Green Tea Cheesecake White Chocolate Brownies
27. Sacrificed myself and saved the world in Fallout 3
28. Adopted a Baby Monkey
29. Turned Archbishop Sir Desmond Tutu onto Pilates
30. Started a Compost
31. Detoxed Amy Winehouse
32. Retoxed Amy Winehouse
33. Encouraged Susan Boyle to audition on Britain's Got Talent
34. Singlehandedly made Entourage watchable this season
35. Pulled the Yankees together
36. Was Vegan for 24 to maybe 48 hours
37. Read the complete works of Malcolm Gladwell
38. Advised Sarah Palin she should take some time off
39. Saved John Hodgman's life
40. Got over a dozen people to join Twitter
41. Bought an American Apparel shirt
42. Walked down the street that I was mugged on 3 years ago with my head held high
43. Got Buzz Aldrin to spill the beans on who puked the most in the Apollo Program (It was Rusty Schweickart and Frank Borman)
44. Exiled Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
45. Welcomed back Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
46. Discovered the Colonel's Secret Fried Chicken Recipe
47. Crafted a Bra out of Bacon
48. Beat Batman: Arkham Asylum
49. Invited the world over to my place for some Hot Tubbing
50. Reunited Pavement
51. Convinced the Jung family to release Carl's Red Book
52. Cured Miley Cyrus of her split personalty disorder
53. Told China to chill out
54. Resisted all urges to grope strangers
55. Broke Tom DeLay's legs
56. Forwarded my grandfather's story to Pixar and it became Up
57. Gave Donald Rumsfeld a wedgie
58. Copulated with Nikki Finke
59. Attempted to assassinate Tyler Perry
60. Isolated the gay gene
61. Was first to use a Grilled Cheese with Bacon sandwich as a burger bun
62. Closed all legal loopholes
63. Posted a Craig's List ad offering my body to lonely woman
64. Wrote a new modern version of We Didn't Start the Fire
65. Killed the Internet Meme known as "Rick Rolling"
66. Shook hands with The Fat Jew
67. Took a stray bullet
68. Offered the Taliban a mean cous cous recipe
69. Painted this nude portrait of Beau Arthur before her passing
70. Brokered a peace deal between a tribe of Cannibal Pygmy Midgets and the local Retirement Home they live near
71. Played the synths on every hit song in the last three year
72. Siphoned all the gas in all of Jay Leno's cars
73. Got a library card
74. Bought Questlove a new Blackberry charger
75. Made dinner for my Mom once
76. Supported print media by subscribing to 6 publications
77. Revealed the horrible conditions that Chuck E. Cheese robots live under
78. Prevented Walmart from building in my town
79. Encouraged Walmart to build in the neighboring town
80. Only shopped at that Walmart twice
81. Sent Glenn Beck Clown-A-Gram
82. Forcefully participated in 14 Interventions
83. Had sex with Caster Semenya to prove what sex she is
84. Played Parcheesi with the Taliban
85. Trimmed the Treeman of Java
86. Formed a Death to Death Panel Panel
87. Planted a marijuana tree
88. I do not own a Blackberry
89. Am exceedingly nice and patient with all children and old people
90. Aided a Sasquatch in need
91. Pretended to be an Iraq War Veteran to raise money for Vietnam Veterans
92. Bought mostly organic products last time I shopped
93. Prevented the Sherri Shepherd sex tape from being released
94. Set Sen. Max Baucus's glasses on fire
95. Booed an opera at the Met
96. Got behind the whole "Washing your hands after you poop" trend
97. Resisted urge to "Take-a-penny"
98. Made a monument to Karl Malden out Swiss Cheese
99. Learned to breath through my nose
100. Found Barack Obama's original Hawaiian Birth Certificate
At least there's still the Time Person of the Year. Surely, Obama can't win that too.
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