A Game of Thrones

As much of a nerd as I am I somehow managed to never get caught in the iron claw of Fantasy Fiction. I played Dungeons & Dragons, Magic Cards, nagged my parents about going to the Renaissance Fairs and Medieval Times but when it came down to books full of knights, wizards and dragons I couldn't do it. Those sort of things were things better kept in my head where my imagination can play. I remember trying to read Lord of the Rings and becoming horrifyingly bored. There were pages and pages on the Hobbit lifestyle and then once we actually get to the story it begins with preparations for a party. Doesn't that just scream riveting? The catch with The Lord of the Rings is that Tolkien approaches his story as history. There's just so much care and craft that when it comes down to telling a compelling story well you're going to have to invest a lot of your time and as a kid living in the 90's I didn't have the time the Lord of the Rings demanded.

In fact, I found I didn't have the time for most fantasy fiction. Who wants to read a book over 500 pages let alone a series of them? Don't say Harry Potter because that was written for children and honestly are you comparing J.K. Rowling to J.R.R. Tolkien? Come on. The point is I don't care for fantasy fiction and neither does most of mankind. That's why it comes as a huge surprise to me that I have become so thoroughly engulfed in George R.R. Martin's Song of Fire and Ice series.



A few months ago I saw a twitpic from Gavin Purcell, producer of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, of A Game of Thrones and its sequel. As a reader of books and a professed know-it-all I quickly looked the title up on Amazon. It didn't strike me as being that fantastic, just another Fantasy book being hyped up by nerd-dom. A month passes and while catching the ACE subway in New York I spotted a cute young hipster chick reading A Game of Thrones. My interests were peaked since I typically take my reading cues from what cute young hipster chicks are reading. Then Amy Ozols, a writer at Late Night, starts tweeting the book up. Okay fine, I'm in. So since my birthday was coming I thought, "Why not throw the first book on m wish list!" and that's how I ended up with A Game of Thrones.

I really didn't plan on reading it though. Its fate seemed to rest on a nice shelf but I had to read it at least before putting it away, mind you I hadn't even read so much as the prologue before asking for it. I expected something whimsical, something fantastic where wizards ride unicorns and knights battle evil dragons plus a spunky princess who knows how to fight and wee little elf people who love the woods. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. By the time the prologue was over I was hooked. Whenever someone gets an axe put in them then suddenly comes back to life as a murderous zombie with flaming blue eyes you got me. It grabs you by the balls faster then stupid party planning with Hobbits.

But I'm getting a head of myself. A Game of Thrones is the first in what Martin has called A Song of Ice and Fire. The main feature of Martin's fantasy world is that the seasons last for untold years. It's been summer for decades but the world is showing signs of a long winter to come. Magic is fleeting and the few appearances sorcery does appear it's of the cult/scary kind. Actually the whole world could be described as scary. This is a grim and grimy fantasy novel. Heroes die brutal deaths and villains survive by selling out but in this world there's not a lot of distinction between good and bad. Martin has a past as a Hollywood writer and something tells me that those years have steeped the man in a cynical view that in any other genre would be grating but in fantasy is a breath of fresh air.

The main characters are the Starks, a noble family that lives in the cold world of the North. There's Lord Eddard Stark, his wife Cathreyn, their sons: Robb, Brann and Rickon, their daughters Sansa and Arya plus Eddard's bastard son Jon Snow. Things are pretty peachy until one day on their way back from an execution Eddard and his sons find a dead Direwolf and her litter of pups. The Direwolf being the symbol of the Stark clan it holds a special and ominous meaning. They return to their home in Winterfall only to find out that the King himself is making a surprise visit. The King's old Hand, a consigliere essentially, has passed away and he wants to make Eddard his new one. Eddard is hesitant but when word reaches him that the old Hand was murdered and when one his sons meets a gruesome fate he must go with the King to find the truth.

Every chapter is told from the perspective of one of eight characters. These characters range are all the members of the Stark Clan, Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf from a rival family, and Daenerys Targaryen, the daughter of the disposed King. The chapters jump from character to character, place to place and it makes for a compulsive read. After reading for a while I'd want to put it down but when I saw the next chapter was, for instance, a Tyrion or Jon Snow chapter, both of my favorite plotlines, I just had to keep plowing forward. Pivotal moments in the story are told by characters that are merely bystanders. Epic battles are summed up after the fact. It's a bold move and one that Martin somehow constantly delivers on. I'll admit that sheer amount of characters left me lost at times. I had to re-read one brutal massacre scene twice just to make sure who died and even then I wasn't sure who they were.

But I implore you to not be overwhelmed or to brush this book off as just another fantasy novel because Martin doesn't write like a fantasy author. When I told people what I was reading I struggled to describe it. That was until I heard that HBO was making a pilot of it and someone pitched the story as Lord of the Rings meets The Sopranos which nails it. A Game of Thrones is the fantasy genre all grown-up. People actually have sex in it for starters. I don't recall Tolkien describing the mating rituals of Hobbits (I bet he did though). Children are thrown off buildings, there's mass bloodshed, rape, looting and an unusual amount of incest. In short, it's a perfect for an HBO fantasy series.

The biggest problem with reading A Game of Thrones is the urge to read more. I like to read books and to have five books that are each over 800 pages on my to do list is daunting. But considering how much fun this book was and that it's really a fast read I have far worse things to fear. It took me about three weeks to finish but that includes several days of just not reading it. It could finished in two weeks I'm sure. For anyone who likes fantasy novels then you should have already read it. For everyone else I urge you to pick it up and give it a shot. If you don't like it, well, I hate to say it but you have no imagination whatsoever.

Transformers: Revenge on Your Eyeballs

Why do I do this to myself? I've said before that I like Michael Bay. The Rock is a classic action film, both Bad Boys deserve to be preserved in the Library of Congress and I cried during Armageddon. Still the man has fucked up in huge ways. Pearl Harbor is a colossal rip-off of Titanic and God only knows how much coke Bay blew before telling Scarlett Johansen to put more clothes on for The Island. Still for some unfathomable reason I've given Bay the benefit of the doubt. That ends now.



I enjoyed the first Transformers. It was a characteristically Michael Bay film that was sprinkled with goofy Saturday morning cartoon moments. My favorite moment was when the Autobots are assembled at Sam's house and try to hide from his parents despite the fact they're wrecking havoc on the neighborhood. It's a silly scene but it showed the camaraderie between the robots and pretty much nailed what Transformers is: a kid thing. That's all gone. With-in 7 minutes of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a giant one-wheeled robot wrecks havoc on a Japanese highway, killing possibly hundreds, but fortunately Optimus Prime and the U.S. Army show up in time to destroy even more shit. Really, Michael Bay?

Since clearly no one bothered to write more then a brief outline on a moist towelette I feel compelled to sum the story up as quickly as possibly. While packing for college Sam Witwicky discovers a piece of intergalatic space rock that imprints an alien language on his brain. The language is naturally Transformerese and is the secret location of some ultra, mega energy that the Decepticons want really badly. And why do they want it so badly? So they can destroy the Sun. I think.

Just what the fuck happened to all the good will that the first Transformers built up? I can only guess but I'll bet it left with Steven Spielberg. While the first film showed some restraint this one will have nothing to do with that. Sure, Transformers 2 flashes some giant balls (I also mean this literally because one of the robots actually has giant balls) when it kills Optimus Prime off in the first hour. Whoops, was that a spoiler? Not really because the robots themselves are indistinguishable from one another. There are only two real stand-outs and by stand-out I mean purely audacious.

No doubt you heard about the first: the racist Transformers. At first I thought this was mere hyperbole but no, it's true and they are there. They can't read, they talk in jive, they have gold teeth and big ears.I damned near expected them to crack out a bucket of KFC and Watermelon. It makes no logical sense for these characters (who I'm not even going to bother looking up their names) to have the personalty of every terrible black stereotype. They're fucking robots.

Which brings me to the second inexplicable as fuck robot: the old Transformer. So, Sam and Megan Fox need to figure out what those Transformerese symbols mean. With the help of Sam's tech-savy roommate they track down John Turturro from the last movie and he expositions. They need to find a Transformer who is old enough to read the symbols (I think) so they go to the Air and Space Museum in D.C. to find one who is alseep as some jet. It turns out this robot is old as dirt. He has a beard, walks with a cane and fricking farts. Yeah, I just described the characteristics of a Transformer.

What the fuck. Granted, if that whole old robot scene weren't enough what happens next is so astoundingly baffling, so completely absurd that I'm still trying to process it. Sam and the gang wake this robot up and he naturally busts out of the museum only to walk out into the middle of a god damned air field in the desert. Stop and think about that for a second. An old Transformer in the Air and Space Museum, which is located near the Mall in Washington D.C., breaks down a wall and walks out into the fucking desert. There's no cut, no explanation no anything. It just happens that way.

Look this movie is 2 and a half hours long and it is packed with ridiculous and often boring shit. At least an hour of the film is spent running the fuck around trying to translate that fucking Tranformerese. I'm not even kidding.I didn't even mention Sam's mom eating pot brownies or John Turturro's thong or Megan Fox being a void or that the final battle lasts over a half hour and that there's been a goddamn gigantic sun devouring machine inside the Pyramids of Giza all these years.

I wasn't even high when I finished watching Transformers 22 and I felt really stupid. It was as if some creepy robot crawled into my brain and just vaporized it. I had to read an entire issue of the New Yorker to regain some neuron function. I would tell you not to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen but it's futile. Everyone will glimpse it at some point whether on TV or *sigh* on Netflix like I did. At least it has some (I say some because I don't even know what the fuck I was looking at half the time) pretty CGI and I did like that scenic battle in the forest. Oh God, my Michael Bay apologetics are starting again!

Chris Christie Will Eat You, Your Family and Your Dog

I'm scared for my state. People make fun of New Jersey all the time but the fact of the matter is most of those jeers come from people with green in their eyes. That green might be mafia bribe money but New Jersey is better then at least 42 of the United States. Ask the Wall Street Journal. The other day I watched Anderson Cooper or John King or Wolf Blitzer or some other white haired CNN reporter talk up New Jersey's governorship as the most powerful in our whole country. Surely that wasn't Election Day hyperbole? Oh right, it was. Election Day brings me back to what's scaring me. Chris Christie is my state's new governor and I'm afraid he's going to eat my state on a open-face pastrami sandwich.



I voted for Jon Corzine. Why? Well he survived a 60+ mile an hour car crash and uh, he expressed support for a medical marijuana bill (My generation's most pressing issue). Honestly, I couldn't think of a good reason to vote for the man. Sure he has those awesome Goldman Sachs connections and is chummy with the White House but most New Jerseyites can't tell you two things the man has accomplished. In fact, things seem to have become even shitter but it's hard to tell what with the entire world economy crashing down. So I guess I wasn't voting for Corzine so much as I was voting against Christie.

But why? I don't know anything about Christie. I never bothered to look up his positions on the issues. I never watched a speech he gave. I don't even know if my state had a debate for Christ's sake. All I know is his name is stupid and he's fat, really fucking fat. Even the pro-Christie ads made the man look like a total blob. So did I fall into the festering hole of partisan politics, voting based solely on blind allegiance to a political party that would sooner sell my body to the Medical Insurance Industry then do something as sensible as legalize Mary Jane (Really, it's my generation's most pressing issue)? No, because the truth is Chris Christie will devastate not only my state, not only my country, not only my western hemisphere but my entire planet because he is actually an Intergalactic Consumer. Just take a look at this actual size chart I found in National Geographic.



Way on the left we have our 27th and fattest President of all time William Howard Taft. As you can see even on our Christie chart he's hardly a blip. Next to Taft is a T-Rex. Their pretty big and can eat a lot of raw meat straight from the pulsing flesh of it's victim much like how Chris Christie eats. Then we have the Borg Cube. Familiar to Trekkies and Trekkers, the Borg Cube is nearly the size of a planet however Christie uses it as a dinner table. While Christie is a large man he still hasn't out grown Unicron, the Transformer that is a planet, or Galactus, the guy who eats planets. Still as an Intergalactic Consumer he has plenty of time to grow. I give him approximately 4 to 8 years before Christie reaches maximum consumption

All we can hope for is that Christie gets some advice from former Alabama Governor and planet nibbler Mike Huckabee. Huckabee learned the toll that consuming geothermal cores can have on the body, plus on your Presidential electability. Truthfully I don't think Christie will make it through his first term. In the past decade New Jersey has ran through eight Governors. Sure, a few of those were one day swear-in's but it's still a horrifying track record. Taking Christie's "crime-busting" record as Attorney whatever into account and New Jersey's own predilection for the Mafia I think I see where this could go.



I didn't want to say it but really it's inevitable. Fortunately, if Christie continues packing in the pasta I don't think a single bullet will penetrate his vital organs. Hmm, so maybe he does have a good reason for eating my state whole after all.

Novocaine Review

Who doesn't like Steve Martin? The Aughts that who. The most notable waste of Martin's precious time on Earth have been two Cheaper By the Dozens and two Pink Panthers movies. There's also had some small roles in Baby Mama, a Jiminy Glick movie, Looney Tunes Back In Action and other un-noteworthy films. Martin's only worthwhile cinematic endeavor this decade has been Shopgirl and that's looking more and more like a fluke every passing year. The best thing Steve Martin has done was write Born Standing Up. which if you have even a passing interest in comedy read it. It's almost enough to forgive him for all the bad movie checks he's cashed, almost. However, there's one film Martin did that alluded to a different path. One filled with challenging roles that expand an audiences respect for the actor but is also balanced with enough mainstream films to keep the bank (and the bong) full. Let's call that path Bill Murray Road and the fork that Steve Martin came to on it was called Novocaine.



Dr. Frank Sangster (Steve Martin) is a fairly successful dentist who is engaged to his assistant Jean (Laura Dern). Everything's hunky dory until Susan Ivey (Helena Bonham Carter) shows up. Susan has a nasty toothache that's going to require a root canal. They set-up an appointment for 7:30 AM the next day The next day Susan shows up at 7:30 PM for her appointment and well one thing leads to another and they're having sex. In the morning Frank finds out that his office has been robbed of all its medicine and then an investigator comes into say a kid has been killed who was on Frank's drugs. Also, Frank's awful brother Harlan shows up to ruin his life even more. Then there's Susan's awful brother who wants to bone her. Plus that guy who stares down Kurt Russell at end of The Thing and Kevin Bacon show up as Detective and Actor Researching Detective Role to throw in some chuckles.

The first thing that will tip you off to Novocaine's flaws is the narration. I have no problem with narrations but when someone is literally describing what's happening on-screen then there's a big problem. I don't need to hear Martin say that the reason he's giving Susan Demerol is because he's sexually intrigued by her. That was made obvious in the acting which is mostly good. Laura Dern is sexy good and Helena Bonham Carter is essentially her character from Fight Club. The woman was just born to play a junkie.

Steve Martin is great. The man knows how to play a dentist, The Little Shop of Horrors proved that, but he hits a few nags. For someone who knows manic comedy Martin can't quite nail manic drama. When things start to close in on Frank you'd expect him to get more and more panicked but Martin gets cooler and cooler. It's a weird take that I don't entirely buy but it at least pays off with a fucked up ending.

Which brings us to the root of Novocaine's problems: the story. I wasn't too sure what to expect from Novocaine but contrived murder mystery was far away. There's nothing necessarily bad about it. It's just ho-hum vanilla ice cream. I figured out what the plot twist was about half-way through. The most surprising thing that happens is the sudden appearance of Kevin Bacon and The Thing Guy.

Novocaine's still worth seeing despite being disappointing. I can see how the film made Steve Martin reconsider doing more independent films. It's not wholly satisfying but it's at least a glimpse of where Martin could have gone.

Land of the Lost Review

Sid and Marty Krofft hold no special place in my heart. The same can safely be said for most of my generation. I don't mean that as a bad thing. The reality is H.R. Pufnstuf, Sigmund and the Sea Monster, Land of the Lost and Lidsville were never aired on television when I was young. When I finally did see H.R. Pufnstuf I was struck by how incredibly dull it was. Sure it looks like the greatest acid trip ever but all the characters ever did was talk and talk and talk. I imagine that this is just a generational thing. When the Krofft's shows aired there was nothing like them but now kids shows are required to be kooky and quirky (or on the serious side Anime-ed).



So the fact that the Land of the Lost movie seems to have been made with the loving care of people who grew up on the show is lost on me. Well, not totally since Land of the Lost is, all things considered, a funny movie. Unfortunately, it was completely mis-marketed and probably could have done with a new title since this is no ordinary children's TV adaptation. It's a weird stoner fantasy film that is a deliberately stilted retro throwback.

Dr. Rick Marshall (Will Ferrell) is the foremost expert in the field of Tachyon particles and time warp that is until a disastrous appearance on The Today Show with Matt Lauer. Marshall's millions of dollars in research are gone and he is forced to be a tour guide at the La Brea Tar Pits. One day Holly Cantrell (Anna Friel), a Cambridge researcher, approaches Marshall and tells him that his theories are true and that she's found proof at a remote tourist trap run by Will Stanton (Danny McBride). At tourist site Marshall triggers a dimensional time warp and with-in 15 minutes into the move we are in the Land of the Lost.

This is no prehistoric world though. There are dinosaurs and caveman-ish people but the world is a Dada landscape meets live-action Looney Tunes movie. One particular chase scene feels like it's straight out of Duck Amuck, the meta Chuck Jones cartoon where Daffy Duck battles the animator. The only thing that slows the film down is when our heroes are given an actual mission to stop some mad scientist. I was hoping that Land of the Lost would ignore this calling and careen through more weird directions. Then again this film is already pushing all forms of marketability far away.

I said stilted before and I mean that only to the actors. All Ferrell, Friel and McBride are ridiculously restrained. It's as if they're acting in a children's television show in the seventies. Anyone thinking Ferrell would stop his man-child acting style is crazy. It's his bread and butter. Dr. Rick Mashall is a natural continuation of the man-child motif but fortunately Ferrell plays him in a whole other comedic key then Ron Burgundy. He's bafflingly serious and Friel backs him up all the way. Friel does as good a job as any women has in keeping up with the Ferrell brand of silliness but most importantly is really pretty to look at.

While Ferrell is at the point in his career where he needs to demonstrate new skills McBride is at the point where I just want to see more of him. Will Stanton is a role that McBride makes great. He's essentially the audience's anchor since he's the one constantly questioning and pointing out just how ridiculous what's going on. McBride's brand of redneck machismo and knack for irreverent metaphors is truly a gift.

There's a lot of good reasons why Land of the Lost bombed so badly but the main one is that it's a weird damned film. Imagine if that Lost in Space remake a few years ago was actually as crazy as the show. (There was an episode where the entire crew was slowly turning into vegetables.) That's sort of what like Land of the Lost is. The other reason is that Land of the Lost is a required bong viewing film and you can't do that in a theatre.

Goldman Sachs Made a Shit Ton of Cash

Let's say your the CEO of a bank that's made a killing. You guys are literally lighting cigars made of $100 bills with $100 bills. There's a big problem though. You've made this money in one of the worst economic environments in the last century years. So all that money you've made looks suspicious to some and cold-hearted to others. What do you do? You could rein things in, tell people go easy on their expenses and heck donate some to a nice charity. Or you could go in another direction.



Lloyd Blankfein the CEO of Goldman Sachs has gone in that direction. Honestly, what else is he supposed to do with a 3.19 Billion dollar income? Employees of Goldman Sachs are looking at bonuses that start at $700,000. That's not an amount of money that can be spent discreetly. But when has the bank ever been subtle? Remember when they testified at the Federal Reserve and arrived in a gold plated monster truck blimp?



Of course back in the golden days of the economy (anytime before September 2008) this behavior wasn't so surprising. John Thain would routinely carpet his rooms with living human beings. Then again Thain was really into S&M. At the Goldman Sachs Tower in Jersey City Blankfein has commissioned architects to remodel it to reflect the banks wealth.



The real question is how does Goldman make all it's money? Well the answer is not that surprising. Goldman Sachs has unlocked the secret to making money: pure, unbridled sex. Apparently, by having sex near a pile of money will cause it to multiply. How do I know this? Here's the ugly proof.



It's not pretty but hey Goldman Sachs isn't in a pretty business.

100 Things I Did That Barack Obama Didn't Do To Win The Nobel Peace Prize

Look, I like President Barack Obama as much as the next guy. He's done a decent job of leading America in his first year. Remember how you were feeling this same time during Bush's Presidency? You were probably scared shitless of airplanes, buildings and Arabs. Okay so this time around Americans don't have jobs so they aren't panicking about things that will never kill them. That stil doesn't explain what President Obama has done to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Especially considering the nomination deadline was just over a week after his inauguration.

I mean if all you have to do to win a Nobel Peace Prize is to be born to an impoverished family with a delinquent Dad, move from place to place never knowing a true home, manage to get into Columbia and Harvard Law School, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, spurn significantly higher paying jobs to become a community organizer in Chicago, write two books, run and win a Senate seat, deliver stunning speeches that remind you that politicians can be eloquent, run a Presidential campaign that not only defeats the most cunning political family in the Democratic Party and the entire GOP machine to become the first black President of the United States and simply by doing so you immediately change the whole world's perception of America then I should have a dozen of them. Seriously, who hasn't done most of that stuff before they turned 48?

That's why I've compiled a list of things I have done in the past year (or 23 years) to prove how much more qualified I am to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, some of the stuff may not seem peaceful or for that matter relevant but hey Henry Kissinger and Lê Ðức Thọ won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 for ending the Vietnam War which actually ended in 1975 so there's a pretty loose definition of the word peace being thrown around in Oslo.



Daniel Goodwin's Nobel Peace Prize Bucket List
1. Rescued Euna Lee and Lisa Ling via Jetpack
2. Protested the Iranian Elections by turning Twitter avatar green
3. Continued to resuscitate Michael Jackson even after the Doctor's pronounced him dead
4. Remastered The Beatles catalog by hand
5. Castrated Lady Gaga
6. Inaugurated Barack Obama as President and Ended Racism in America
7. Put out the Black Saturday bushfires in Australia
8. Found the cure to Swine Flu
9. Read William T. Vollmann's Rising Up and Rising Down
10. Prevented Cloverfield from happening
11. Gave a Rabbi directions on New Jersey Transit
12. Ended the Recession
13. Killed Autotune
14. Killed Irving Kristol
15. Killed Robert Novak
16. Killed William Safire
17. Responsible for Forcing Quentin Tarantino to Make Inglourious Basterds
18. Started the Great Bacon Craze
19. Tried to Tell Kanye West not to drink all that Henessey at the VMA
20. Saved Prince's life by urging him to have hip surgery
21. Donated 32% of my organs to orphans
22. Also donated 4 gallons of blood in one sitting
23. Prevented the Rhino from going extinct
24. Ended Darfur
25. Got Iraq's Shit Together
26. Baked Green Tea Cheesecake White Chocolate Brownies
27. Sacrificed myself and saved the world in Fallout 3
28. Adopted a Baby Monkey
29. Turned Archbishop Sir Desmond Tutu onto Pilates
30. Started a Compost
31. Detoxed Amy Winehouse
32. Retoxed Amy Winehouse
33. Encouraged Susan Boyle to audition on Britain's Got Talent
34. Singlehandedly made Entourage watchable this season
35. Pulled the Yankees together
36. Was Vegan for 24 to maybe 48 hours
37. Read the complete works of Malcolm Gladwell
38. Advised Sarah Palin she should take some time off
39. Saved John Hodgman's life
40. Got over a dozen people to join Twitter
41. Bought an American Apparel shirt
42. Walked down the street that I was mugged on 3 years ago with my head held high
43. Got Buzz Aldrin to spill the beans on who puked the most in the Apollo Program (It was Rusty Schweickart and Frank Borman)
44. Exiled Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
45. Welcomed back Honduran President Manuel Zelaya
46. Discovered the Colonel's Secret Fried Chicken Recipe
47. Crafted a Bra out of Bacon
48. Beat Batman: Arkham Asylum
49. Invited the world over to my place for some Hot Tubbing
50. Reunited Pavement
51. Convinced the Jung family to release Carl's Red Book
52. Cured Miley Cyrus of her split personalty disorder
53. Told China to chill out
54. Resisted all urges to grope strangers
55. Broke Tom DeLay's legs
56. Forwarded my grandfather's story to Pixar and it became Up
57. Gave Donald Rumsfeld a wedgie
58. Copulated with Nikki Finke
59. Attempted to assassinate Tyler Perry
60. Isolated the gay gene
61. Was first to use a Grilled Cheese with Bacon sandwich as a burger bun
62. Closed all legal loopholes
63. Posted a Craig's List ad offering my body to lonely woman
64. Wrote a new modern version of We Didn't Start the Fire
65. Killed the Internet Meme known as "Rick Rolling"
66. Shook hands with The Fat Jew
67. Took a stray bullet
68. Offered the Taliban a mean cous cous recipe
69. Painted this nude portrait of Beau Arthur before her passing
70. Brokered a peace deal between a tribe of Cannibal Pygmy Midgets and the local Retirement Home they live near
71. Played the synths on every hit song in the last three year
72. Siphoned all the gas in all of Jay Leno's cars
73. Got a library card
74. Bought Questlove a new Blackberry charger
75. Made dinner for my Mom once
76. Supported print media by subscribing to 6 publications
77. Revealed the horrible conditions that Chuck E. Cheese robots live under
78. Prevented Walmart from building in my town
79. Encouraged Walmart to build in the neighboring town
80. Only shopped at that Walmart twice
81. Sent Glenn Beck Clown-A-Gram
82. Forcefully participated in 14 Interventions
83. Had sex with Caster Semenya to prove what sex she is
84. Played Parcheesi with the Taliban
85. Trimmed the Treeman of Java
86. Formed a Death to Death Panel Panel
87. Planted a marijuana tree
88. I do not own a Blackberry
89. Am exceedingly nice and patient with all children and old people
90. Aided a Sasquatch in need
91. Pretended to be an Iraq War Veteran to raise money for Vietnam Veterans
92. Bought mostly organic products last time I shopped
93. Prevented the Sherri Shepherd sex tape from being released
94. Set Sen. Max Baucus's glasses on fire
95. Booed an opera at the Met
96. Got behind the whole "Washing your hands after you poop" trend
97. Resisted urge to "Take-a-penny"
98. Made a monument to Karl Malden out Swiss Cheese
99. Learned to breath through my nose
100. Found Barack Obama's original Hawaiian Birth Certificate

At least there's still the Time Person of the Year. Surely, Obama can't win that too.